Awareness

Did you ever get overcome with an awareness of your humanity? Like have you ever sat down and been hit with the realization that THIS is your life? This isn't a dress rehearsal - you will only get this once. You will look back on this one day as your past life, hopefully as something you don't regret. And what's even stranger to think is how you won't even remember all of it - this present moment, insignificant as it is, will probably not make the cut as a file to be saved in your mind. There's absolutely nothign we can do about it, other than embrace it. We have to love these little moments, because it's nearly impossible to go back and re-love something that you overlooked in the past.

Even stranger (and more morbid) - did you ever get hit with the realization that this all ends? Have you ever been faced with the awareness that one day the people we love most will no longer be here? One day we will have to say goodbye. We will feel our hearts ripped through our throats, we will hear the planet split in half, we will feel all the stars shattering down around us. And we will be strong enough to go on, of course, but we will have to experience this. I'm sure there are even awful truths sitting around me now, that I'm not aware of but will hit me over the head in time. It's life, to feel all of this - but it only takes one dose of that pain to change a lifetime.

I don't want to feel it anytime soon - of course not. But I will feel it. I can hope and pray that things will go my way until then, that I'll be lucky enough to find the happiness to make my imminent pain bearable. I'm truly afraid of never feeling that pain at all, because that would mean that I succeeded in detaching myself from the reality of love and life. I certainly don't want that, so I will have to let myself cry eventually - I will have to let go, let my tears fall faster than they ever have.

But I know what I do and do not want to let go of. I'm learning every day what to keep and what to get rid of - it's those things that I want to keep which keep me coming back to life to find more. They give me hope that there's more out there, that one day I will find a happiness that overcomes the pain most likely ensue. I believe in the good - I believe that true pain is only true love.

And why talk about love at a time like this? What I intended to write about was how much my father understands my mind, but I suppose this works too. That's love, there - perhaps his sight of my mind is how he overcomes the pain. But I need to remember that life isn't all about the pain - it's the other stuff which really counts. It's feeling safe when my dad really does know how my mind works, and loves me all the more for it. That's what I'm thankful for - that which makes the pain worth feeling.