Oasis
How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky
Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams, she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you when we were getting high?
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky
'Cause people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why
How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannonball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky
'Cause people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why
How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Same Old, Same New
Where the hell does inspiration come from? Moreover, who has it and what happens if nothing is done with it?
Take me, today. I've been having kind of a crappy day because I'm seeing reality from a negative perspective, which I really haven't done in a while so I guess it's overdue. I haven't had much human interaction on the day, either, which doesn't help. I couldn't fall asleep last night because my mind was on a warpath, deconstructing things I had taken as givens and putting them back together in forms I no longer recognize. I wound up writing with a drawing pencil on a piece of looseleaf paper in the hallway, under the nightlight outside my room because turning on the lights would hurt my eyes. It seemed like I came to a lot of conclusions, but then again that was at 2 AM. Now, the same piece of paper just seems like a redundant restatement of what I already knew.
I basically just start ripping on myself for all the things I hadn't really looked at before. Why, for example, is it so hard for me to trust people? Why is it that so many people that I consider to be friends wouldn't recognize the author of this blog? I rant on and on about honesty, but what kind of lies am I telling by not being this person on the outside as well as the inside? I started feeling so irresponsible last night, because I could see how much care I had given to the person I am on the outside and what neglect I had treated my inner self with. I just wish I was talking about superficial self-absorption - I wish it was that easy. Why have I started to push away the people I've known for so long? There's no good excuse for the cynicism I've demonstrated when it hasn't been explainable here.
The truth is that I'm only myself when Iris is a part of me, but I'm so afraid to let that happen. I find no comfort in letting Iris go freely when I still don't understand her myself - for some reason I fear that she's going to get torn apart if I let her out into the world, even though the longer I go without doing so, the more I rip her apart myself. At this rate, I'm going to keep starting over and over until I get it right. Did you ever see one of those T-shirts that said, "The beatings will continue until morale improves," on the back? That's me, right now.
I like to say that I can do anything with my life, but one thing I will never be able to do is to be a musician. I envy musicians because they can physically live off of their inspiration, whatever comes to them. Their whole job is to live and feel and translate it into a language that the rest of the world can understand. (sidenote: it's absolutely pouring outside but the sun is shining like it's 80 degrees out. This has to be the most beautiful sun shower I've ever seen). I can only hope that somehow, someway, my life can be that influenced by my own inspirations.
I think my mission for this summer is to try and find more of Iris in my life. I've scored myself another shot at all of it in NYC, and I really can't afford to mess it up this time.
Take me, today. I've been having kind of a crappy day because I'm seeing reality from a negative perspective, which I really haven't done in a while so I guess it's overdue. I haven't had much human interaction on the day, either, which doesn't help. I couldn't fall asleep last night because my mind was on a warpath, deconstructing things I had taken as givens and putting them back together in forms I no longer recognize. I wound up writing with a drawing pencil on a piece of looseleaf paper in the hallway, under the nightlight outside my room because turning on the lights would hurt my eyes. It seemed like I came to a lot of conclusions, but then again that was at 2 AM. Now, the same piece of paper just seems like a redundant restatement of what I already knew.
I basically just start ripping on myself for all the things I hadn't really looked at before. Why, for example, is it so hard for me to trust people? Why is it that so many people that I consider to be friends wouldn't recognize the author of this blog? I rant on and on about honesty, but what kind of lies am I telling by not being this person on the outside as well as the inside? I started feeling so irresponsible last night, because I could see how much care I had given to the person I am on the outside and what neglect I had treated my inner self with. I just wish I was talking about superficial self-absorption - I wish it was that easy. Why have I started to push away the people I've known for so long? There's no good excuse for the cynicism I've demonstrated when it hasn't been explainable here.
The truth is that I'm only myself when Iris is a part of me, but I'm so afraid to let that happen. I find no comfort in letting Iris go freely when I still don't understand her myself - for some reason I fear that she's going to get torn apart if I let her out into the world, even though the longer I go without doing so, the more I rip her apart myself. At this rate, I'm going to keep starting over and over until I get it right. Did you ever see one of those T-shirts that said, "The beatings will continue until morale improves," on the back? That's me, right now.
I like to say that I can do anything with my life, but one thing I will never be able to do is to be a musician. I envy musicians because they can physically live off of their inspiration, whatever comes to them. Their whole job is to live and feel and translate it into a language that the rest of the world can understand. (sidenote: it's absolutely pouring outside but the sun is shining like it's 80 degrees out. This has to be the most beautiful sun shower I've ever seen). I can only hope that somehow, someway, my life can be that influenced by my own inspirations.
I think my mission for this summer is to try and find more of Iris in my life. I've scored myself another shot at all of it in NYC, and I really can't afford to mess it up this time.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Mental Drugs
My mind is so quiet now and I love it. It's so easy to forget where I was a week ago - to think that a week ago I was just leaving school is unbelievable. It feels like it's been a month, the way I've changed. I sleep so much more, but voluntarily and not because I'm tired of being awake. It's like I'm finally calm enough to relax and go to sleep at the right time, instead of waiting up until 2 until I'm exhausted. This is so much like being on a vacation, and though I guess it technically is, it's like I've made this vacation in my head at the right time.
I guess I can finally say, at long last, that I'm happy. I haven't overthought something in about, well, a week, which is a really long time for my mind to stay still. I know this feeling isn't going to last, because time progresses and there are always new challenges and atmospheres and such, but one week has been a blur of I don't know what - inner peace, I guess it's called. I used to get mad at myself if I woke up at 11:30 because I'd lost the whole morning to do something. Now I'm just grateful to have been able to get that much sleep. It seems like my mom is harassing me less about all the little things I have to do, even though there are plenty of things I'm slacking on right now and she knows it. Dad got home tonight from a long trip and let me alone about the college stuff, which was slightly unexpected but greatly appreciated.
I guess I should be worried about the fact that I haven't talked to Lauren in a while, because despite popular belief I do want to, and I probably should be worried about the fact that I'm purposely ditching certain people because I'm too high on this weird mental drug of mine to snap out of it. I guess it'll all come hit me at some point and I'll be back to my cynical frustrated ways, but this is nice for a little. I wonder how long I can make it last?
I guess I can finally say, at long last, that I'm happy. I haven't overthought something in about, well, a week, which is a really long time for my mind to stay still. I know this feeling isn't going to last, because time progresses and there are always new challenges and atmospheres and such, but one week has been a blur of I don't know what - inner peace, I guess it's called. I used to get mad at myself if I woke up at 11:30 because I'd lost the whole morning to do something. Now I'm just grateful to have been able to get that much sleep. It seems like my mom is harassing me less about all the little things I have to do, even though there are plenty of things I'm slacking on right now and she knows it. Dad got home tonight from a long trip and let me alone about the college stuff, which was slightly unexpected but greatly appreciated.
I guess I should be worried about the fact that I haven't talked to Lauren in a while, because despite popular belief I do want to, and I probably should be worried about the fact that I'm purposely ditching certain people because I'm too high on this weird mental drug of mine to snap out of it. I guess it'll all come hit me at some point and I'll be back to my cynical frustrated ways, but this is nice for a little. I wonder how long I can make it last?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Oh, Hi Again
I got a solitary run in just after Gina left, and I realized that it's been a while since I felt this way. It's the version of me that I recognize the most from home. It's not bad that I haven't recognized it for a while, but it's nice to know it's back at the right time. I've been worried lately about making this decision to leave when I'm just starting to get really close with new people, but I'm reminded now of how I need to. I guess it isn't as much about other people as it is about me, now - I've known myself for some time, and now it's time that I put that knowledge to use. The reality is setting in: I will really have to start over, and deal with missing even more people now than I did last time, but it's still what I need and what's best for me.
That being said, I got to be alone for the first time in a while on this run. I know a lot of people don't like to be alone, and it's certainly can be bad for me at times, but it's so much easier to listen to myself when there's no one around. Even if I'm with someone but not talking, there's a way that my thinking changes - I'm not saying it's bad, it's just how it works. I'm not saying I lie to myself when I'm with other people, but I don't listen so hard to myself because there isn't really a need to.
I didn't pick up anything urgent off the brainwaves, but I did notice these things on my run that I didn't realize when I ran it with friends for the past few days. The first time we ran it, there was a big puddle on a dirt road that gave the most beautiful reflection of a yellow house - I always wanted to take a picture of it because it was so pretty. I was looking for that reflection today but realized that the puddle had shrank enough to not reflect the way it used to. I also saw the houses on the streets for the first time, even though I've been on that road four or five times before. The neighborhood was a lot like my old one. That got me thinking about how different my life would be if we had never moved across town - I don't think I'd would be better or worse, but I'd certainly be different.
I'm going to look back on this year and not have any regrets, which is satisfying in itself. I'll think about how I'd be different if I was coming back, or if I had never come to HC at all. But for now, thinking can slow down, because summer is waiting.
That being said, I got to be alone for the first time in a while on this run. I know a lot of people don't like to be alone, and it's certainly can be bad for me at times, but it's so much easier to listen to myself when there's no one around. Even if I'm with someone but not talking, there's a way that my thinking changes - I'm not saying it's bad, it's just how it works. I'm not saying I lie to myself when I'm with other people, but I don't listen so hard to myself because there isn't really a need to.
I didn't pick up anything urgent off the brainwaves, but I did notice these things on my run that I didn't realize when I ran it with friends for the past few days. The first time we ran it, there was a big puddle on a dirt road that gave the most beautiful reflection of a yellow house - I always wanted to take a picture of it because it was so pretty. I was looking for that reflection today but realized that the puddle had shrank enough to not reflect the way it used to. I also saw the houses on the streets for the first time, even though I've been on that road four or five times before. The neighborhood was a lot like my old one. That got me thinking about how different my life would be if we had never moved across town - I don't think I'd would be better or worse, but I'd certainly be different.
I'm going to look back on this year and not have any regrets, which is satisfying in itself. I'll think about how I'd be different if I was coming back, or if I had never come to HC at all. But for now, thinking can slow down, because summer is waiting.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Tubed
I really don't remember the last time I watched American Idol, but here I am now, sitting under a window as the color fades from the sky and listening to Randy Johnson tell some kid, "That was hot!" I usually don't consider TV to be that important to my life, even if I have some favorite shows, and reality TV certainly doesn't rank all that high on the list. But as much as I don't want to say it, TV is really important to our culture. That includes, of course, such wonders as American Idol, Oprah and Deal or No Deal - but I guess that in some ways it's a good thing. Like if I'm at home, I'll sit and watch a show that I'm not really interested in just because my mom's watching it, and right now I'm watching American Idol because Gina's writing a paper and needs someone to sit with, since she cleaned out her room today and is leaving tomorrow.
It's crazy that so many people are reached by TV, and that I'm usually not one of them. It's like when someone says, "I really want to see that new movie... you haven't HEARD of it??" No, sorry, they must have stopped advertising in the library since the last time you checked. I don't really feel like I'm missing out on that kind of stuff, but it's funny how it's a whole part of our culture that people either take for granted or don't really tap into at all. Like who is this David Cook guy on American Idol who can actually sing? Why is he on American Idol? Then again, someone else probably knows his whole life story and has been watching him for months - my mom probaby has already ranked all these contestants for weeks and is eating ice cream right now, listening for mistakes and comparing their performances to the original records. Oh, maybe not ice cream, since she hasn't been able to eat that for months, but she did find that new kind that she likes so hopefully she can have that.
Ahh, it's starting to feel like summer again -it smells like it outside. I'm glad for summer this year, because I'll need time to transition from one place to the next . Summer's always been that, the time where we get to transition from one time to another. Does everyone get to have summer? I guess not, since my dad still works during the summer, but it's still a different and unique season for him. I hope it's one of those things that doesn't go away, that we get to have every year no matter how old we are. I don't know what life would be without summer... I hope I never have to find out...
It's crazy that so many people are reached by TV, and that I'm usually not one of them. It's like when someone says, "I really want to see that new movie... you haven't HEARD of it??" No, sorry, they must have stopped advertising in the library since the last time you checked. I don't really feel like I'm missing out on that kind of stuff, but it's funny how it's a whole part of our culture that people either take for granted or don't really tap into at all. Like who is this David Cook guy on American Idol who can actually sing? Why is he on American Idol? Then again, someone else probably knows his whole life story and has been watching him for months - my mom probaby has already ranked all these contestants for weeks and is eating ice cream right now, listening for mistakes and comparing their performances to the original records. Oh, maybe not ice cream, since she hasn't been able to eat that for months, but she did find that new kind that she likes so hopefully she can have that.
Ahh, it's starting to feel like summer again -it smells like it outside. I'm glad for summer this year, because I'll need time to transition from one place to the next . Summer's always been that, the time where we get to transition from one time to another. Does everyone get to have summer? I guess not, since my dad still works during the summer, but it's still a different and unique season for him. I hope it's one of those things that doesn't go away, that we get to have every year no matter how old we are. I don't know what life would be without summer... I hope I never have to find out...
Saturday, May 3, 2008
I'd Like To Buy A Vowel
So I guess this is why they call it the wheel of fortune - one minute you're all the way down at the bottom, and the next minute you're wondering if it gets any better than this. Of course, we always keep believing that life could be a little better than it is already, but it's nice when it starts to get hard to believe.
It's summer in 5 days. I actually enjoyed taking my orgo test today, because apparently I actually learned that stuff and the two days I spent preparing for the final were not wasted at all. Yesterday I found out that I have a pretty good shot at a paying job for the summer, which is both unexpected and much needed. Of course, I also know that I get to take a new road after this summer, but even this summer is going to be another good one (even if it's work-filled and not as leisurely as the last one). The Kentucky Derby winner this year was quite promising, making me believe once again that this might be the first year in almost 30 that this horse might go all the way and take the Triple Crown. I also got my hands back on my car today and celebrated with a long random drive with Gina, listening to the 90's mix she dug out of my CD's that Lauren, Lindsay and I made over a year ago.
But, like I said, we're always convinced it could be better. I wonder how different I'm going to be on Friday when I leave HC for the last time in a while - I'm sure I'll come back sometime, but I don't know when. I'll have made the decision to walk away from one path of life for a completely unexpected one, and I'm not really sure what that's going to feel like. I'm already getting more scared by the day about it, but it's a good kind of scared. All I have to do is remind myself that it's far better than the fear of never knowing.
It's summer in 5 days. I actually enjoyed taking my orgo test today, because apparently I actually learned that stuff and the two days I spent preparing for the final were not wasted at all. Yesterday I found out that I have a pretty good shot at a paying job for the summer, which is both unexpected and much needed. Of course, I also know that I get to take a new road after this summer, but even this summer is going to be another good one (even if it's work-filled and not as leisurely as the last one). The Kentucky Derby winner this year was quite promising, making me believe once again that this might be the first year in almost 30 that this horse might go all the way and take the Triple Crown. I also got my hands back on my car today and celebrated with a long random drive with Gina, listening to the 90's mix she dug out of my CD's that Lauren, Lindsay and I made over a year ago.
But, like I said, we're always convinced it could be better. I wonder how different I'm going to be on Friday when I leave HC for the last time in a while - I'm sure I'll come back sometime, but I don't know when. I'll have made the decision to walk away from one path of life for a completely unexpected one, and I'm not really sure what that's going to feel like. I'm already getting more scared by the day about it, but it's a good kind of scared. All I have to do is remind myself that it's far better than the fear of never knowing.
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