Paying Attention

I just went to church for the first time in about two months. I'd stopped going because I was busy, and because it's always hard to connect to a new church when you've been going to the same one for 18 years. But I figured I owed God a bit, since he's always been pretty good to me, and I got to see Jerm for the first time in about two weeks, too.

Anyway, I'm very glad I went because it was one of those rare occasions when I really was able to listen. I was actually able to take my mind off of all the stress I'm going to experience for the next week, not to mention all the studying I need to be doing right now. The gospel and homily were really interesting - the parable was about a master who was going on a journey and places his wealth in the hands of his servants. One got 5 "talents," or units of currency; one got two, and the last got one. The two servants with the most of the wealth chose to invest the master's money, and were rewarded upon his return. The last, however, chose to be cautious and bury his one talent, and was later reprimanded by the master for doing so.

I didn't really get this at first, but the explanation made a lot of sense that I could really understand. To hold back with what you've been given, to avoid the chance to grow is not the way to live. The best way to live is to allow yourself the chance to make choices, to risk what you have, to understand that you can always be more than what you are. It doesn't matter how much you start out with, because what you've been given will always be enough. I thought it was interesting that the master from the story saw the first two servants as being responsible enough to carry larger tasks, simply because they weren't afraid to grow wisely. It only makes sense - those of us who have proven that we can grow and change will be given more opportunities to do so.

From here, the visiting monk who was giving the homily wandered into an explanation of the meditations he teaches. He said that to live and to love (for they are virtually the same thing), one must always be learning to simply and humbly pay attention. There is no greater gift than giving someone your attention, because most of the time it's all we really need. Meditation, likewise, is about paying attention to yourself and your being, and nothing else. He also talked about balance, and how there's no reason to have an excess of anything. The catch here, though, is that everyone has a different definition of moderation (and should, because we are all different). What matters is that we are all balanced, that we can pay attention to things equally and not be ignorant of the things we choose not to see.

So it made me think, and was one of the more unusual masses where everyone is actually paying attention the entire time. Perhaps, then, the monk achieved exactly what he was intending...

Tire Swing

Kimya Dawson

I took the Polaroid down in my room
I'm pretty sure you have a new girlfriend
it's not as if I don't like you
it just makes me sad whenever I see it
'cause I like to be gone most of the time
and you like to be home most of the time
if I stay in one place I lose my mind
I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with

Joey never met a bike that he didn't wanna ride
and I never met a Toby that I didn't like
Scotty liked all of the books that I recommended
even if he didn't I wouldn't be offended

I had a dream that I had to drive to Madison
to deliver a painting for some silly reason
I took a wrong turn and ended up in Michigan
Paul Baribeau took me to the giant tire swing
gave me a push and he started singing
I sang along while I was swinging
the sound of our voices made us forget everything
that had ever hurt our feelings

Joey never met a bike that he didn't wanna ride
and I never met a Toby that I didn't like
Scotty liked all of the books that I recommended
even if he didn't I wouldn't be offended
wouldn't be offended

now I'm home for less than twenty-four hours
that's hardly time to take a shower
hug my family and take your picture off the wall
check my email write a song and make a few phone calls
before it's time to leave again
I've got one hand on the steering wheel
one waving out the window
if I'm a spinster for the rest of my life
my yarns will keep me warm on cold and lonely nights

Joey never met a bike that he didn't wanna ride
and I never met a Tobey that I didn't like
Scotty liked all of the books that I recommended
even if he didn't I wouldn't be offended........
wouldnt be offended.......
even if he didnt i wouldnt be offended

1.5 Down, 2.5 To Go...

I'm starting to think of my education as a form of self expression. It's something I can control, and therefore it's something I can tailor to fit whatever I believe my needs to be. There comes the challenge, in trying to determine what it is that I need to know that will best help me become who I want to be. If you think about it, what you know is a huge part of who you are, regardless of whether you learned it in school or in life.

But I don't like to separate the two. What I learn in a classroom seems to become more and more applicable to the world around me - the history of Latin America is surprisingly relevant to what US foreign policy looks like today, while the structures of proteins are crucial to understanding the way we live and fight disease. Things that seem confined to a classroom environment really aren't so. I strangely see college as my chance to catch up with the rest of the world on what they know, so that I can be anyone's equal and then learn to help take the world forward. Maybe that's a pretty idealistic vision, but it's one thing that keeps me motivated.

I'm probably thinking about this because I just spent a while planning out what I'm going to do for the rest of my short time in college. I see myself as lucky for being here, so I want to make the most of it. After half an hour with a great advisor, I see that I really can make the most of it with studying abroad, course selection and all the other fun stuff to tack onto that.

People say that college is the best four years of your life, and while I think that can apply to me, it applies differently than it does to a lot of people. I see my three remaining years as a free-for-all to learn whatever I want, whatever comes to me, without the boundaries of money or a full-time job. Other people see it as four years to hang out with friends and get some credibility for a good job, and that's fine too. But my way works better for me, and even if it looks lame or boring to someone else, I guess I just want different things. I'm getting jumpy just thinking about spending a semester in Buenos Aires, which might require me to reteach myself spanish, or picking up a medical intership alongside a possible (?) political science major. There's just so many opportunities, and I finally feel like I have the freedom to explore. The truth is that if I kept working my ass off, I might be able to graduate early, but why would I want to do that when there's so much left to do?