Stamps and Selling Out

I forgot that I used to really want to be a librarian when I was little. I think it was mostly because I always loved their stamps, the ones that changed with date and made the huge GAJOONK noise when they stamped the slip of paper in the back of your book with the due date. I also wondered what it was they did when they weren't checking out books - what happens behind the wall behind the desk? The have ALL the books that everyone wants but have to be on the waiting list for, the popular books that wait up on the shelves with post-it's that are scrawled with a last name or even the simple word, "HOLD."

But beyond the secret life of librarians, I was also thinking about the Miss America pageant today. Well, that one or the Miss United States Pageant - one has a bathing suit competition and one doesn't, making the latter seem slightly more legitimate when it claims to be a "scholarship opportunity." Seriously, what are they winning scholarships for? Anyway I was probably thinking about it because a girl my family knows is the next Miss Connecticut, and she's actually pretty smart and dignified so I'm wondering what it's like for her. And then I got to thinking, "If I were in the Miss USA Pageant, what would my talent be?" While I can think of plenty of things I'm good at, they're not really things that can be displayed on a stage on national television. I'm good at things like drawing and listening and being sarcastic and wondering if it's possible/worth it to buy a subscription to iTunes. I wouldn't be able to do ballet, or do some cheerleading moves or something, and singing is just not happening (still not really sure why I'm so mind-blocked against singing, but I'll figure that one out).

It's just that those talents that are supposed to make or break the candidates in the Miss USA Pageant aren't really about talent at all. They're more about selling yourself for entertainment and getting the most rise out of the crowd. Who cares if you can paint worth a damn if you can't twirl a baton on stage? Half of those talents have to just be things that the contestants learned specifically for the competition. They all wind up having the same talent, then, which is to be able to please the crowd - some can just be more entertaining, more creative and more ingenious than others in how they go about doing it.

The depressing thing about librarians these days is that they don't have stamps anymore. It's all bar codes and laser scanners now - no inkpads, paper slips or date stamps in sight. Maybe I'll just finagle a way to get me one of those GAJOONK stamps and use it to date all my notes, papers and the letters I write to my grandmothers...

Old Habits Die Hard

It occurred to me as I was leaving the dorm tonight that I was carrying the things that are most important to me. If there was a huge earthquake or tornado at this moment, I could just crawl under this desk in the library and pull my backpack with me, and even if everything else was destroyed, I'd stay pretty much intact. That is, of course, inferring that if the stuff in the backpack were destroyed, parts of me would be too. It's pretty much empty at the moment, but I'm talking about my computer, some water, an umbrella (one thing I learned this year - never count on Worcester weather), my iPod (although unneccessary, since my library's on my computer), my lab manual (OK not crucial, but I'd be able to identify parasitic tapeworms and that's pretty damn important in times of distress), my sketchbook, and pencils. Likewise, I really don't draw often at all, but it's a comfort I need. I think I blog instead of drawing - if I didn't have this, I might have a freaking porfolio by this point. Oh well, I guess this counts for something too.

I can tell already that this last month of school is going to be the hardest. I could care less about the workload, but I mean that it's going to turn into a waiting period for me. I guess by this point I've come to terms with a lot of the stuff that's been on my mind this year, and now I'm ready to keep going. You wondered what we'd be like now if we hadn't had last year to build off of. Frankly, I probably would still be trying to transfer from HC, but I don't think I'd be handling it the way I have. I guess it's ironic to say that I've been handling it well, but I can't imagine what I'd be feeling if I didn't know what I was looking for. I looked back through some of the things I wrote junior year, stuff that I saved onto this computer because I knew I'd be interested in it at some point, and I see myself as I was. What I mean is that it's recognizable - the writing's pretty similar, though there's some screwed up punctuation, and I can hear my own voice when I read it to myself. But it all was a little cynical; there was this closed aspect of my thought, where you can tell that I wasn't really sure how to see things other than the way that I did.

If I was still that person, I'm not sure I'd have survived the way I have here. I'd have cracked on my roommate a long time ago, closed up away from everyone a long time ago, and I certainly wouldn't be writing about it. But needless to say, we both learned a lot about living last year, which is why all the things I wrote for my Humanities final senior year are still pretty relevant to the way I'm living now. Thank God I changed, is all I have to say, because now I can actually see the world around me instead of making up a sketch of it in my head and going off of that. I'm more tolerant, too, which makes a huge difference. Teagan has probably always had the most accurate image of me in her head over the years, and I know she gets how it all fits together somehow. She's always joked that I'm out there, that my sense of humor is just strange and that I have to think of everything in the most complicated way possible, but how I apply that to how I live has changed dramatically. I used to be a whole lot of sarcasm and nothing else, and now I feel like the sarcasm makes more sense and has lost its bitter edge. OK maybe I'm still bitter sometimes, but nothing compared to how I used to be.

All in all, it just takes a backpack and a short walk to take me away from my roommate, from a lot of my frustrations, from boredom... a lot of things in general. I'm getting back to that part of me that spends a lot of time alone, but it's not such a scary bad thing anymore. I'm not sure if you remember this, but a long time ago you told me that you wondered where I went after school, like I had this whole other life that no one knew about. I thought you were crazy at the time, but now I know what you meant - I'd gotten really good at falling off the face of the earth for hours, so good that I did it without thinking. Does it make a difference if I do it consciously now, if I know why I do the things I do, and that it makes me more whole instead of more fragmented?

No Such Thing

John Mayer

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me
Condescendingly
"Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white."
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so-called "right track,"
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits and
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible
As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait till my 10 year reunion
I'm gonna bust down the double doors
And when I stand on these tables before you
You will know what all this time was for

Not So Relevant

Uck her miserable mood is so infectious sometimes. I wonder how my experience here would be different if I had a different roommate - it would undoubtedly be, well, different. But I'm realizing more and more that I actually do live with her, instead of just randomly sleeping in the same room. She's part of my life now, but she's one of those parts that you kind of groan at when you think about it. It's crazy that we really don't know all that much about each other - well maybe I know a lot about her personal life since she has no concept of that thing called privacy, but she really doesn't know much about me.

But that's not all my fault - after what, 7 months, I acknowledge that she really doesn't care all that much about me. I guess it's asking a lot to assume that she should, because other than the fact that we live with each other, we have no need to be close (ironic?). Maybe that's what really gets me about her, that she could care less about what I'm feeling or what's going on in my life. I wonder how she even sees me, maybe as that person who comes into the room at random times and does something and then goes to sleep? It's not like I'm an invisible person, and I do talk to her and make an effort, but she doesn't hear it unless it's about her or concerning her. The only thank-you's I've ever gotten from her are for helping her understand something for bio or chem - I guess that gives a pretty good analysis of how she sees me. She would take notice of me more if she knew my grades in the classes we share, but not in a good way - I'm pretty sure she'd hate me because I don't kill myself over the work and actually seem to like learning. She fascinating to me in the sense that rarely do you meet someone who's staring so blindly at a wall, not seeing what else is going on around her. I know that the more I attempt to describe her, the more insulting and malicious my words seem, but for once the truth really is that merciless.

Why is that such a crazy concept, anyway, loving learning? People roll their eyes whenever I mention that I actually like going to class and doing work if I'm interested. Maybe I'll be lucky to end up somewhere where everyone else feels the same - I was reading in the library today and realized that of the three computer screens I could see near me, all of them were focused on IM conversations instead of websites or Word documents. Seriously, people wonder why they spend so much time working? Because they don't actually work, duh. It made me want to laugh, because here I was doing what I considered some light reading of W.E.B. Du Bois (any work for something other than bio or chem is now "light" work for us, we realized), enjoying not having much work to do while everyone else stressed out about God knows what, their freshman writing seminar papers or something. And I wondered if it's like this everywhere - is learning really work everywhere? Hey, I totally understand wanting to have fun and have other things that are just as (if not more) important than working, but whatever, since when is it a chore? And why do they have to be such opposites?

Whatever, I already know I'm the college kid who missed the boat because I've never been drunk here and I'd rather spend my money on train tickets than beer. I'm beyond caring anyway - I assume all that comes when you like where you are and who you're with and you're in a mood to have fun all the time. That is something I'm definitely missing out on, but I'm also kind of glad that I got to do this first, the whole be a nerd and work your ass off thing. Hopefully I'll learn how to have fun again next year, and then maybe I'll look at this and say wow, what a loser, but maybe by that point I'll feel some love from whoever I'm rooming with and things'll be different. Just maybe, that's all.

A Few Good Minutes

I'm in an unusually and senselessly good mood at the moment. I'm thinking that of all times, you should be home this very minute, because I feel like doing something stupid and need a comrade to go climb a tree with me or something. I almost let my car get hit by another car again today, which is bad but always a sign that I'm being reckless. That's also a good/bad thing, but always entertaining. I'm also highly enjoying this moment because it's bound to crash in a few hours when I get out of la-la land and go back to school, but whatever. It's gorgeous out and is the perfect day for getting in trouble, but I've only got about an hour before I go back and a lot of things I should be doing. As far as my mom knows, I'm out looking for summer jobs, but my chances look very good at EMS and I didn't feel like applying anymore after that. Which means I've actually applie for a grand total of two jobs, but my chances look good for both, so today's reckless activity is counting all my eggs before they hatch.

And speaking of eggs, I'm pretty sure the one I wound up having for breakfast was this close to going bad, because it had a funny aftertaste, but whatever. I've got white blood cells and a lymphatic system, I'm good. At least it didn't smell nearly half as bad as the first one. God, that was the one of the worst things I've ever smelled, and I've smelled some pretty bad things in my lifetime. Why can't I just be like this all the time? It would make life a thousand times funnier. Anyway, have some music - it's been a Third Eye Blind day, and I got hooked on this one:

Wake For Young Souls
Third Eye Blind

Today I found my soul
I felt it die inside of me
so I turn to you
Life is like that, you know

I have your face in a photo in high school when you were alive
But that's all I have
And I can't remember who I was myself then
And it doesn't help, still I look to you as a friend to tell me

who we are now, who we are
It's who we are now, who we are
where does time go now, on a wake for young souls?
tell me who we are now, who we are
who we are now, who we are
where does time go now, on a wake for young souls ?
Like a lullaby you sing oh, ooh

Well the wind that blows, it's blowing colder
And the child that grows, she's growing older
And the friends we know, they'll turn a shoulder
The friends we know, they're growing colder

It's who we are now, who we are
It's who we are now, who we are
where does time go now, on a wake for young souls?
you tell me who we are now, who we are
who we are now, who we are
On a wake for young souls

Where's my soul?

Cycle of the moon brings blood to the woman
And the blood of the woman brings birth of a child
Child grow up
Keep forgetting something
Birth of a child comes someplace while
Even gray days beat the shade to wean
Unbodied unsouled unheard unseen
Let the gift be grown in the time to call our own
Let the gift be sewn before the windows closing
Truth is natural like a wind that blows
Follow the direction no matter where it goes
So it shall be the earth and the sea
Let the truth blow like a hurricane through me

Oh, ooh

If I've been cold, if I've spoken in anger,
to have been bold, forgive me
You know I don't see your mother, not like before,
though she hasn't forgotten
she doesn't like to be reminded anymore
Annie got married, it didn't come without tears
like the day you died, I have laughter for these years

So who we are now, who we are
It's who we are now, who we are
where does time go now, on a wake for young souls now?
It's who we are now, who we are
who we are now, who we are
On a wake for young souls


All the things we know are going to fall away from me
like a grain of sand slips through a good friend's hand

How Much Would It Suck If Your Last Name Was Wordsworth? Words Are Worth Nothing

I've started running to John Mayer lately. Most of his music certainly wouldn't qualify for pump-up music (actually, would any of it?), but what I need from it is how real it is. Something about his music makes it impossible to lie to yourself - you just listen to his lyrics and his talent and wonder what it would be like to be able to put yourself out there so clearly. I guess blogging is an attempt at that, but in no way could 99% of the population reach people like John Mayer does.

I always worried that it was somehow prohibited for us to love his stuff, since he's from our hometown and in a way it makes it less legitimate for us to listen to him. At the same time, though, we're kind of more justified than a lot of people, since he wrote a lot of his stuff while living in our town, driving our streets, eating our food, and going to our school. But then the more you learn about him, the more fascinating he becomes - he seems like one of the most emotionally whole people I've ever heard of, and would probably be intimidated by him in person more for his impossible oneness than for his (albeit amazing) talent.

I just got tired of running to the other music, my regular work out playlist, because it all seems like a sugar-high that doesn't mean anything and won't last much after you take off your sneakers. What I need from music is the way it reaches you like nothing else can, how it can take you away all in your head and make you into someone else. No, sorry, it can't fix your mistakes, but at least it lets you feel them. That's how it is for me at least. And sometimes it can call into your mind things you never wanted to think about at all, but it creates a safe space for thinking and lets you unwind some things that you keep wrapped up so tightly. I wrote once that it can keep you company when you feel like there's nothing and no one left, and I still think that's true. John Mayer said in an interview once that what he loves about performing is looking out into the crowd, seeing all those people singing his songs and being somewhere completely different than him, in places and experienced he may never see. Still, he said, the words he writes are words that so many other people couldn't find on their own, and it's like his job to give them the words they need.

I guess other people need the words more than I do, but it's nice to hear someone else speak them instead of me. In fact, it's more than nice - I think letting him say all the words lets me get them out of my own head, so that I can have some peace and quiet and actually enjoy a run. But they always come back, don't they - what if I'd never learned a language, would I finally have some peace? Then I could live my emotions instead of talking my way out of them. It'd be nice for a change, not splitting myself between what I say and what I feel, but maybe that's just part of human nature that I won't ever be able to change.

Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "Think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon

If I will...?

Tonight was one of those nights where I was so happy to have the group. You're completely right - without having last year be as fun and new as it was, I would be someone completely different. I think what my fear is is that at HC, it's much easier to live like last year never happened - there's no need for me to embrace the way we lived last year. I probably would still want to transfer away even if it never happened, but I don't think I'd know why for sure and I'd certainly not take it the way I have. It's probably unbelievable that I could have taken this past year of school harder than I have, but knowing who I used to be, I don't doubt it. I think I never really understood the world before the group and everything happened - that's not to say that I really understand the world now, but at least I'm no longer convinced that everyone is against me. If you didn't know, that's one of the biggest reasons my parents will always like you, because they know how much I've changed for the better since meeting you. The same goes for everyone else - my parents are well aware of my rather shakeable emotions lately and are just happy to see me come home, sleep soundly and wake up excited to go see Lauren.

As for tonight, it was like the old days of the group. We were certainly missing plenty of people, but our couch was having a grand old time fighting over foot rests and sharing intra-couch conversations. The situation was different, because it was me, Sam, Lauren and Nate on the sofa while everyone else (Linds, Jerm, and a bunch of Lauren and Nate's senior friends) was actually watching the basketball. Actually I'm pretty sure Nate was trying to watch it too, but like that was going to happen with us on the couch. We were having too much fun harassing him, what can I say.

It's strange that we come home and it's still like this, because we all now have different lives in different directions. I think you're lucky in that you found such a solid family at school so quickly, because a lot of people don't adapt so quickly. I don't want to stay on Lauren's couch forever, that's not what I'm saying, but I realize now that it's going to take me a while to learn how to find friendships that can even compete with what happened in the group. I've also been wary of doing it, knowing that making strong relationships was not going to help my situation with leaving next year. I've been dreading telling Jordan that I'm transferring, and made a silent promise to her that I would tell her very soon after Easter. Teagan told me, "Hey, it's not hard, and she'll understand," but I just imagine what it would be like if Jordan were Lauren and I had to tell her I was leaving our school. I really will miss Jordan if I do end up leaving, which is a good thing because it shows that she's a true friend, but it makes it so much harder to tell her the truth, that she doesn't know this whole side of me that I haven't been able to express to her. She wouldn't understand certain parts of me, because I've never been able to be that person at HC, and it makes me feel worse to know that our friendship can only be so deep when I'm keeping so much of myself from her. And it's not like I'm ditching her totally, because she has plentyy of other friends, but our lives at school would also be dramatically different if we didn't have one another.

We don't really know what happens for what reason, but they all have some reason in the end. We don't know where we're going or where we'll end up - I guess maybe someday we'll look back on our senior year and think, "I wonder what happened to everyone?" It's the beauty of life, though - it doesn't end up the way we want it to, but it always ends up the way it should. It makes us cry, it makes us overjoyed, it makes us everything we never knew we were. There's often not much use in looking back and wondering about how it could have been different, but I'm glad that I'm proud of my past as well. I can now look back on high school and smile, and one day I think maybe I'll look back on HC and smile, thinking about how Jordan made it more than bearable and how much of a difference she made in my freshman year. She and I were never the "pour your heart out" type friends - that's more you, Laura and Lauren for me - but I will never again underestimate the power of a laugh.

It's funny that I meant to write about the group's Friday night, but wound up wondering about how much life would be different without Jordan. I guess it takes your thoughts one step further - life would definetly be different without all the old friends in my life (though even "old" is only a couple years), but also without the new ones. Life changes every day - we think we're headed in one direction until we wake up a week later, miles off the track but not really all that surprised. I only wish that we could follow this like an objective third party, like a movie. I'm pretty sure we need to get on Jeremy to make a film about our senior year, because so many other people in the world were never half as lucky and as blessed as we were.

The Things That Remain?

Oh well that's good, because when I find myself constantly checking your blog, there's nothing there :-P Only kidding, the whole point is that there's no pressure - that's the only reason I keep coming back to write.

On a more important note, did you ever notice all the little things you pick up without realizing it, and how long they last? I'm actually not talking rhetorically here - I'm actually talking about the pen mark on my finger that's still there from God knows when. I noticed it when I was about to leave the bio lab and leaning on the counter, looking at my fingers for whatever unreasonable reason. And I've got a little mark on the knuckle of my middle finger, and I still can't figure out how it got there. Then I forgot about it in a second and didn't see it again until four hours later (though it may as well have been 40) when I was in the shower and "Huh, that mark's still there?"

What else do we carry around on ourselves without ever really seeing? We forget about scars and bruises, even though they can last months or years. I have a cut on my arm from nowhere in particular, and there's a scar on my hand that's been there as long as I can remember and I don't remember why. Or like how I called my mom today to tell her I was about to start driving, and she recognized that I sounded tired and out of breath, which I didn't even realize I was. What about things like facial expressions, do they last unconsciously? I wonder what my facial expressions look like, since I'll never really have the chance to witness them genuinely - you can't just stand in front of a mirror and be surprised, or confused, or annoyed. I like knowing what signals I'm giving off, and usually try to subdue minor expressions so that I have more flexibility in terms of how I come across, but what am I really doing? It's funny that everyone knows but me.

I still have that mark on my finger, and now that I think about it, my fingernails seem better than they were yesterday (they got stained and weakened by my beloved green nail polish, ironically enough), and I feel physically comfortable for the first time in a while, since my lack of sleep and food have been wearing on me for the past three days.

And what determines what we do and don't remember? I have no idea where I got the cut on my arm, but take the kid who works next to me in chem lab, who burned himself with sulfuric acid on Monday and will definitely remember that story (that's something I like about chem, if you screw up there can be actual consequences. It's exciting in a weird way). Obviously there was noticeable pain involved in obtaining that mark, and he'll remember it. (What, RENT is going off Broadway???) But what keeps me from remembering where I got the scar on the back of my hand? Maybe it never hurt enough for me to notice when I got it, but how could I not notice feeling something that cuts my skin? How do we go around so often without seeing all the little things we pick up, the things that other people see before we do, the accumulated reminders of where we've been?

Domino

How about a little of Mr. Van Morrison?

Don't wanna discuss it
Think it's time for a change
You may get disgusted
Start thinkin' that I'm strange

In that case I'll go underground
Get some heavy rest
Never have to worry
About what is worst or what is best
(Get it)

Oh oh Domino (it's all right)
Roll me over Romeo, there you go
Lord, have mercy
I said oh, oh, Domino
Roll me over Romeo, there you go
Say it again
I said oh-ooh-oh Domino
I said oh-ooh-ooh-oh Domino
(Dig It)

[Best Instrumental Ever]

There's no need for argument
There's no argument at all
And if you never hear from him
That just means he didn't call
Or vice versa
That depends on wherever you're at
(All right)
And if you never hear from me
That just means I would rather not

(Hit it)
Oh oh Domino
(All right)
Roll me over Romeo, there you go
Lord, have mercy
I said, oh oh Domino
Roll me over Romeo, there you go
(Hey, all right)
Say it again
Oh-oh-ooh-ooh Domino
(Hey, hit it)
I said oh-ooh-ooh Domino

Well, Mr. DJ I just wanna hear
Some rhythm and blues music
On the radio
On the radio
On the radio

Uh-uh, all right
Uh-uh, all right
Uh-uh, all right
Uh-uh

Hear the band

[Best Instrumental Again]

One more time

:-D

I Don't Really Feel Like Posting This, But I Will For Lack Of Anything Better

Less motivation and inspiration lately, but I feel like I'm forgetting something if I don't put something up here every few days. I should go to sleep, since I haven't been doing that much lately, but it's also because I don't really want to sleep anymore. Strange feeling, especially when you're tired from a long week. I kind of feel like I'm over all of it, but then I'm right back in the middle and caring again. And then I last about ten minutes in the present tense and all of a sudden I feel washed out and done again. And I keep writing about the same things, the same feelings, because they're all I really know anymore, and I'm just tired of writing the same thing over and over because I know how it'll all lay out.

Once again, I'm not at school for the weekend, but ironically, if I had a choice, I would be. I'm not a fan of going home anymore, since it's just exactly what I was looking to move away from when I went to school. I'm still not at a point in my life where home is endless and shameless comfort, because I hate that it's the only endless and shameless comfort I have. And it's hardly what it used to be, because we (my siblings and I) know we've grown in different directions and will never see home the same way again. It's not a sad thing, just a true thing. And I hate that I've grown away from it the least, because it just hits the point across my face that I'm still waiting.

But we're here for the birthday girl, and I'm not technically at home since I'm at the Cape, but it's the same thing. And everything just blurs together - what pushes me off the edge about my roommate are her monotonous and boring two hour phone conversations with a brick wall every night, but instead of having reprieve from that for a night, I end up hanging out with my brother, who is having an eerily similar phone conversation with his significant other... and again I'm irritated by constant texting, because I feel ignored, even though I'm not saying anything worth listening to, and I watch a movie by myself even though he's right there but miles away. It's kind of like the train left and I missed it, or wasn't aware it was leaving, or got on the train that wasn't really going anywhere, only to look out the window and see the right train pulling out of the station on the next track over.

That has to be the 45th metaphor I've written about this feeling. It's time for a new subject, but when when I'm only talking to myself, this is all that comes to mind. And so fine, go talk to someone else, go make a new friend, go join a new club, because me staying so still isn't doing a whole lot to help my situation. But this is my whole situation, regardless - everyone has built a new life, and this is what I built. I don't know if it's all my fault, or some of it is, but I'm responsible for it anyway.

This attitude is going downhill right before my eyes. I guess now would be the appropriate time to go to sleep. Is that when people usually sleep, when they're tired of being awake? I'm going to get up and run to the beach in the morning (or afternoon, depending on what time I wake up). I don't know what I expect to find there, but usually it doesn't dissapoint. Buenas noches (or buenas dias, as we say at this time)...

Socratic in the Ferns

I think that the only way for me to retain my sanity lately is to let myself go a little insane. It's not like I'm in immediate pain at all here - I have good days and have fun and friends and all - but that's not really what keeps me sane lately. It's the times when I get blinded by things that I never saw before, when I have a violent reaction to something that doesn't matter 24 hours later. It's just another one of those contradictions - you have to go all the way one way to know what its opposite is, then maybe go all the way to that opposite, then maybe figure out where the common ground is.

Truthfully, at this stage there's no point I'd rather be at - I do feel a lot like I've been killing time while I could have been doing something else, but everything happens for a reason and I'm glad to have grown in the ways I have in the past 7 months or so. I didn't expect this kind of growth at all in August, but I'm glad it happened because I finally found out what I'm like when I'm screwed up this much. It's only pushed me further to understand that I need to live by my own rules - I don't think that this is true of everyone, but it's all that works for me. As soon as I fall into a path that everyone else has worn ahead of me, I go all Socratic and keep questioning myself can't rest until I know that I'm just a little bit off the path. I hate to be that person stepping on all the ferns and stuff, but knowing that I'm off the track is what keeps me sane.

Going along with that, you can't please everyone. My dad's said it to me more than once - the lawyer training talking, I assumed - but maybe he's on to something there. Well, if you can't please everyone, there must be some order in which you choose who to please. I guess selfishly the person at the top would be yourself - maybe I'll change that at some point, but it's true for now. We're all still trying to figure out how we want to live our lives, and the only way to know if we're on the right track is to ask ourselves, in all honesty, "Is this what I want?" I don't like that question as much as one might think, because it seems so selfish and introverted. Well, I did take a personality test and it turned out that I was 93% introvert, which is probably undeniably accurate, but I'm not really sure what it technically means to be introverted, or where the line is between introvert and selfish. Maybe there isn't a line and I'm like Cruella DeVille or something. At least I like puppies?

Oye Vey, do I have a point? Maybe there was one in there. Lets try to sum it up quickly, shall we?

Regardless of how happy we are, what we're doing or who we're with, we're all still trying to figure out what we want to do with ourselves. There's no telling where we'll end up, and we have to be willing to do what we feel is necessary to see all sides of the spectrum. But there comes the question of the path as well - at some point we will choose a road to follow, and at some point maybe we'll be more stable human beings than we are now. Stability's kind of overrated, anyway. But the truthful answers to each question come from the heart, whether we're aware of it or not. Simultaneously, not everything is a life or death matter in the long run, but at some point maybe it really was. There's also the saying that goes something like, "Regret nothing, for everything you ever did was at some point exactly what you wanted." Well, there are contradictions to that, I mean we do stuff we don't want to do rather often, but we then have to ask ourselves why we do them. Maybe it's so that you can know what its complete opposite is, and then you can find the happy medium. Maybe it's because you're not doing it for yourself, but then who are you doing it for? Or maybe because we know it will be worth it when it's all over (but we don't, really).

Hermano!

So this is why they make brothers, to make you laugh when you'd almost convinced yourself you never would. Some people can't stand their brothers, but I couldn't imagine living without mine. For some reason we've always been inseperable, even though we used to bicker all the time when we were little. But he's the only reason I have an imagination at all, because we always kind of competed to see who could come up with the better game to play, or the funnier joke, or the best trampoline trick. Well, he always won at the last one, because I landed on my neck once on the trampoline after attempting a flip and never attempted again.

Well, frankly, he won at most of the creative competition, because if you get him in the right mood he's freaking hilarious. Kind of like when he's drunk. But we always did stupid stuff, like make our own movies - my favorite was probably the Miss America pageant, where I was every single contestant and he was the cheesy host. This was probably inspired by us watching Miss Congeniality. I remember the contestant from Alaska was always cold, and the contestant from Georgia had a talent for making everything out of peaches - Peach Pie, Peach Strings (the only explanation for a pom pom as a prop) and our favorite, Peach Wine, only because when I said it it came out of my mouth as though I was German. Alas, my memory was wrong - he was some of the contestants, too, because he was once from a southern state and, in trying to imitate a southern accent, wound up called Coca-Cola "Oca-Ola" - apparently southerners drop their C's... Oh we also made a Crocodile Hunter movie when we were in Hawaii, where he was Steve Irwin dressed in khaki head to toe, that one was great...

Other stupid stuff we did... we made up fake characters whenever we went on plane trips, the most notable being June and Mario. We also used to play with the salt and pepper shakers in restaurants when we were little, inspired by that movie "The Little Princess" to call the salt Sarah and pepper Becky (it would be politically incorrect to expand further on why Sarah was the salt and Becky was the pepper... we were little kids!) This is all just rushing back to me because he and I just had a conversation about the "Kids' Tapes" we used to listen to incessantly in the car, which I'm sure my mom burned as soon as we were old enough to listen to the music on the radio. My favorite of those songs was the one about eating cake for breakfast, but we both disliked the sad one about country roads...

We still think it's funny nowadays when we hang out together and waitresses and people think we're dating. But the point is that I can't imagine what life would be like if I didn't have my brother, because then I'd probably take my sister way more seriously and might still be compelled to compete with her - thank God I mostly grew out of that urge. He taught me that being the best isn't everything, because even if you're amazing at something, you're not worth so much if you don't laugh. He's always had a reputation as such a straight-edge charming kid, and he basically could do whatever he wanted because people would take one look at his smile and open doors for him. He's a lot like my mom, though, in that if you throw a wrench in his trail, he will do his best to get exactly what he wants before you even know what you're agreeing to.

So, how to end this entry? He surprises me all the time with stuff he says, because I usually go to my sister for advice. I should talk to him more often, because it makes sense that he would be able to help me, you think? Oh, and we're planning on being on that show The Amazing Race, because we'd be hilarious and kick ass. Just have to wait till I turn 21... in three years...

Irresponsibility

I missed a phone call that I should return, but I really don't feel like it. They'd have left a message if it was important, no? And can always email me if need be. It's the weekend and I'm on vacation and frankly, after reading for an hour or so, I just don't really feel like talking much.

I want to write about this book I'm reading, because the narrator sounds a lot like me. Only it scares me, too, because I don't realy like the idea of ending up where she did in life. I can't put the book down, though, because I just want to know a little more about myself, and somehow reading the words someone else wrote from a fictional voice kind of helps.

I've been really worried lately that I'm just doing this transferring business because I'm afraid of staying in one place too long. I know that's not true, because I have thousands of other reasons to my madness, but that was one reason that I was genuinely afraid of. But lately, I'm wondering if it's really such a bad thing - I don't know if it's one of my reasons or not, but it isn't all that awful. OK, so maybe I don't want to stay in one place too long. Frankly, that's pretty true, because I'm not ready to stop looking around yet. Damn, I should return that phone call. Forget it. And I was wondering, too, why did I spend the past week at home, where I knew I would be bored and probably spend time alone that I didn't really need? I did it because it's home, no matter what it is. It's supposed to be boring once you leave it, because it's the only thing you've known your whole life and doesn't come off all that exciting once you've seen what else is out there.

But, point blank, I still like reading in my bed because of the way the five blankets absorb body warmth and seem to shape to however you want to kick them.

I should return that phone call, but I think I'm going to be irresponsible and not do it. And dinner's ready.

Quiet.

I should have known I was up to no good this morning when I was staring at the cream in my coffee, watching it swirl around before dissolving in. I should have known then that it was going to be one of these days, the coffee-staring mindless-driving days. As soon as I have errands to run, I seem to switch into this weird mode where nothing matters more than getting those things done.

Of course, many things matter more than the errands. It was on one of my last few trips that I finally found a song I was looking for on my CD's, since I couldn't remember which mix it was on, and once I found it I think I snapped out of whatever I was in. I had been wanting to listen to the song all day, so I needed to hit repeat a few times to get the point across. It made me realize that I was tired of being alone, which is a feeling I don't get often, so it was a good one to deal with behind the steering wheel. Not alone in the huge universal sense, just alone as in not with anyone else. I've been running errands and getting things done for myself for the past few days, which feels good and useful, but I kind of get sick of myself after three days. I suppose this is a big step for me, getting sick of myself, because I've got kind of an addiction to being on my own.

It just takes a lot to make me feel alone, that's all I'm trying to say. And spending time by myself has never really made me feel this way, but it is lately and it's kind of annoying me. But time by myself is what I need anyway, regardless of how it feels now, because it's part of me that I haven't gotten to see in a while. Finally my mind is quiet, which doesn't feel great but it feels... well... quiet. Even now, the music that's playing isn't really hitting me at all - I'll just go back to that one song that does seem to break through and I'll listen to it for a while.

Now, though, now... now I can draw, finally.

Places to Go

In no particular order:

Prague, Czech Republic
Santiago, Chile
Havana, Cuba
Patagonia
New Orleans
The Andalusia, Spain
The Himalayas
Israel
Santorini, Greece
Morocco
South Africa
Istanbul (it was Constantinople, now it's Istanbul)
Macchu Picchu
Hungary
St. Petersburg, Russia
Sevilla, Spain
Japan
Beijing, China
Fiji
Sydney, Australia
Seattle
Antarctica
Anchorage, Alaska
Costa Rica
Paraguay
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Pamplona, Spain (para la fiesta de San Fermin)
Italy
Ireland
The Eastern coast of Russia (what's there?)
Iceland
Alexandria, Egypt
The Nile River
The Amazon
Beirut (just for fun)
New Delhi, India
Mumbai, India
Singapore
Christmas Island (south of Sinapore - what's there?)
Tasmania
Samoa
(sidenote - why are there no cities marked on the map in North Korea or South Korea? Some political thing?)
Glacier National Park, Alaska
Salinas, CA
The Panama Canal
Tierra Del Fuego
(Argentina is unmarked, too?)
The Galapagos Islands
Madagascar
The Red Sea
The Dead Sea
Malta
Amsterdam

OK I should stop, the list could go on forever. Next mission - figure out how to make it to all of these places and more...

Mood Music

I don't feel like writing a novel, just having a little light conversation. Therefore, it's music time.

I love this song because I love the idea of being able to wander the universe, unhindered and guided only by imagination. I love that even if we wander far away and see great things, the most lucky people will have something to come back to. We go far out into the universe, searching for things we can't even define very well. We find ourselves hiding in landscapes and tough challenges and other people. I think the best way to find your whole self is to be able to see as much as possible, so that you have so many things that can piece you together. It's like a digital image - the more pixels you have, the more clearly you can see the image. In people, the more tiny parts we have to make us up, the more defined we can be. Some people will never walk out of their comfort zone - they'll stay with what they know, and always be stuck in 2-D. Don't they want to find out what happens if they wind up in a different country, or fighting a losing battle, or learning how to do something they never did before? Those are life's real tests, the journeys that have no foreseeable ending. The only way to find the ending is to experience it, to live it, and to see where you end up.

Drops of Jupiter
Train

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

Tell me, did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ Jane
Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly
So he never did land

Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
Even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance
Five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way?
Tell me, did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall from a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?