Rant

Would someone just tell me that I suck already? just say it to my face, because I'm tired of hearing "no" without a reason. If I had the courage to put myself out there, could you at least explain why it wasn't good enough? Seriously. I mean, it's really awesome to hear "no" after "no," which makes it apparently really difficult for me to be a part of anything. Personally? I think that when I tell the truth, it's a good thing. Maybe it isn't what you expected, but I also consider that to be a good thing. I'm not afraid to take chances and risks, but it irritates me when it goes unnoticed and I get cast off as if I'm just not as good as everyone else.

Really? What would it take for anything I do to matter? Whatever I do, it isn't good enough. Because of that, it makes it impossible for me to do anything more, because no one cares what else I've done. When do I get to start to matter to anyone other than myself? Likewise, how much longer do I have to keep building myself up without anyone else agreeing? It's exhausting to tell yourself you really are great, despite the fact that the whole world would beg to disagree.

So if it's really the truth, just go on and tell me. Tell me why I suck, why I'm not good enough, why I'm not right this time (but maybe next time). Stop with all the smiles and the sincere apologies, because you really don't care enough to realize what I actually mean when I tell you the truth. The funny thing is that I really just mean what I say when I tell the truth. Is that so hard to understand? Why isn't it good enough when everyone else is telling lies, when everyone else has no idea what to say, so they say the same thing as one another and are then viewed to be "competitive"? Just because I play the game differently, does that mean I can't compete?

I just have to keep having faith that one day my game will come along, and I'll play it better and I'll actually be a factor in anything other than the things I can control. Here's my point, though - why do I keep stepping foot on all the wrong fields and just sucking?

Puppets

Atmosphere

I know a guy with the rock star life
But he still don't fly so he's mad at the sky
He sits me down, he kicks his wisdom
He's been around now, give him a listen

Seems like he's got a lot of complaints
About how nowadays things ain't the same
Used to place some faith in the basement
A toast for this guy
And those kids that he came with
'cause they all from the same shit
Based on cut down placement
Uptown stay strong

Don't ever do a dance with the devil now
That smile is a sign that you're sellin out
Judgment gossip ethics
Let's just exploit all this excess

Then you feel how he feels
To walk around town
Lookin' down from them tall heels
And who needs fame or fortune
When you get the same love
That the fame is snortin'?

Future so afraid of yours
That you strayed from the course
And you came up short
Believe he would have more credibility
If he wasn't just another drunk pill junkie

It's obvious to me that he's still hungry
For the superstars a little bad lucky
Go ahead and get mad at God
Point your fingers at your dad
And at Santa Claus
Listen all of y'all, it's a sabotage
Wouldn't look so bad with the bandage off
It goes

One for the bar tab, two for the shine
Let's go to your car, do another line
Barely trust 'em, they're all puppets
Love is nothing scared of success
One for the bass, two for the drums
Last call gonna take whatever comes
Barely trust 'em, they're all puppets
Love is nothing scared of success

I think it's great how you used to be great
I can't hate on how you choose to relate
But I know that you had the potential
I understand why you wanted to let go
A lot of pressure
In the middle of those shoulders
And we ain't gettin' nothin' but older
Ain't nothin' changed
But the day we run from
But nobody knows that
Better than you, huh?

Supreme Signage

You know how when homeless people hold up signs on the street, they usually say things like, "Vietnam Vet," or "I lost my cat and house and bird to a tornado in upstate New York, Insurance won't pay, please help"? I saw two younger people today, sitting on a corner (which must be advertised somewhere as a hotspot because there are ALWAYS people begging there), but their sign was different. Not only was one playing a guitar, the other's cardboard and sharpie sign said, "Need Guitar Strings."

Of all the things that I've seen those signs say, that surely is the most creative. It could either have been a very nifty way to get a few cents off of people who otherwise walk blindly past, or it could really just be that poetic. To think that they weren't collecting for coffee, or a subway pass, or breakfast, but for guitar strings. As if all they needed to survive was a functioning guitar, because it's what keeps them alive. I believe it might actually be able to do that, too, because the people playing instruments always get more money from strangers than the ones who look like they've been on that corner since 1966.

So was it really that honest, or were they just being clever and playing off of people like me who are actually amused and inspired by such a small idea? Either way, I didn't have any cash on me. However, it was indeed the first time I'd actually ever seen someone stop to give them money. Guess it's proof a little bit of creativity will go further than none at all.

Metaphors Are Useful

Agreed, because even when I think everything should fall into place, I still feel empty inside. I just take it out on the world by throwing myself into things I can control, like how well I do in school, because that to me is at least a productive use of my time. And then I get used to running my life that way and it makes me feel better about the emptiness because at least this one thing can keep me from wasting the present time. I don't feel like I'm wasting, but I do feel like I'm waiting.

All the classes and papers and tests in the world can't get rid of the fact that I'm still waiting, and I have no idea what I'm waiting for. I just have this faith that something is going to happen, because it always does, so even though I go out and grab whatever I want that has to do with education and my future, I'm a couch potato when it comes to personal things. Just me and my couch, we're cool. Except my bag of chips is empty and this show got old a while ago, so then I fall asleep on the couch and I'm fine until someone comes to wake me up.

The funny thing is that I'd really just rather sleep, so what I'm woken up for really has to be worth it. Forget all the people poking me trying to get me to involve myself with them, because if it's not as good as my dreams I won't bother with the time. How's this for a metaphor? I won't be woken up unless it's worth it. Sounds egotistic, but then maybe I am. In the meantime I'll take care of myself and know myself and then there's no mystery when it comes time to take care of and know someone else. It doesn't really make sense, but to me it does, which will last maybe a day and then I'll come back and want to rewrite all of this. And so it goes.

Procrastination

Now I'm tempted to write, because I really should be doing a lab report that I have no motivation to finish (not to mention that it's barely started). I've been pondering a lot lately over the way I live, and I think that the quiet life is the one for me. That doesn't mean that I don't like to have fun, but I don't like things to get too complicated. I like everything where I can see it. That means that I take time in adding things onto my schedule - I keep it clean until I have the routine down, and then I can add something else. Well, I reached that point a while ago, but it just so happens that the things I've been working on haven't started moving until recently. So I'm bored, yes, but for me that's better than being overwhelmed. And I'm not the kind to sit around embracing the boredom, but I just take my time about it.

On another note, I'm having a less-than-quarter life crisis. I think my whole jumpy nature is catching up to me on this one, which is ironic because i just described myself as liking a regularly quiet life. I've just been doing science for two years, and suddenly have this insatiable desire to do something different, to actually get a well-rounded education. This need was certainly more than partially inspired by my complete lack of knowledge about current events, since I quickly have realized that outside of a career in neurological research, I'm not giving myself much of a range of knowledge. Don't get me wrong, a surgeon I will still be, but right now? Right now I have a chance to do something different, to contribute to being a more widely educated person. Research is actually probably one of the last fall-back careers I would want to end up in, so does this really make sense?

On another note, while I probably would do fine in another area of study, my time for jumping is running out rather quickly. It actually starts counting now, and the wiggle room tightens up more and more as time passes. Testing stuff out isn't as easy as it could have been, not to mention the fact that I'm doing well currently and would have to start all over again if I decided to switch my major. But then again, the course listings for political science seem so interesting... and I do have my Dad's mind for politics...

Oye. More pondering. Must. Work...

Back To Square One

I'm confused and conflicted. I wasn't before I started talking politic with my dad, who unfortunately happens to be both very knowledgeable about politics and who disagrees with my choice for the next president. Now, though... conflicted. Mostly because he's right - maybe we need to see past the smoke and mirrors, and acknowledge what's actually going to happen. Either way, my future as a US citizen kind of looks bleak.

The question is one of who to trust - who really is who they say they are, and who isn't. We have Obama vs. McCain - a well-spoken people's man (who seems to be a socialist) against an old ex-POW (who is a patriot, through and through).

Dad's right, that Obama wants to bring the government more and more into every aspect of our economy, possibly ousting the American dream in the process. Given what's happened in history, this isn't likely to turn out the way we idealize it to. Take more from the people who already pay 75% of tax dollars, so that 10% of the population is more pressured to support both the low-income citizens and the governments employees (who by this point amass to half of the country). Add to that "more jobs," meaning "more government jobs" and more people for those who have achieved the American Dream to pay for. Then, following the "take from the rich, give to the poor," motto, put money into welfare systems that seem to have a pattern of only creating more problems (see social reforms of the 60's, part 1).

So he's not necessarily a bad guy, but he doesn't see the American Dream the way most of us do. It's about pursuing your own dream the way you want to do it, right? How do we pull that off when the government is regulating more and more of our lives, including a heavy lot of the economy? He has the press on his side, which just makes it harder to decide what's true and what's not. Furthermore, how can I decide my own future when I don't have the advantage of hindsight, like my dad does? This election matters the most for the generation that can't look into the past and see how the previous Obamas haven't worked.

Hypothetically speaking, however, I don't know if I can bring myself to vote for McCain. He, for one, does not have the press on his side, since any oratorial challenge proves insurmountable and anything else he does is used as ammo to paint him as an ornery old man. Not to mention that he is one of the oldest republican candidates in history and is capable of passing the presidency to an inexperienced hockey mom who defines foreign relations as, "looking at Russia from my house."

How can a race that seemed to promising, so full of hope, be so quickly dashed with a dabble in hindsight? I hate pessimism, but I hate lying more. Do we, the young people who are making decisions for our future, deserve to know all the gory details? I realize more and more that so much of politics is about appealing to the people who can't see your flaws because they don't know enough. I knew it was all about lies when I first got involved, and here I am back at the same conclusion after trying to convince myself that maybe it could be as good as it all sounds. Do I really have to exercise my right to vote for the first time by not voting at all?

Catch-Up and Cupcake

1. My sister is an absolute and total nerd. I knew that, but I always seem to forget. Then I just happened to stumble across her blog page that I hadn't seen in months and realized how much of a nerd she is. I don't mean this in a derogatory way, since I'm probably just the same way she is, but it's always funny to be reminded.

2. I haven't written in forever because I've been doing everything else. It takes a lot to stress me out, but last week really put me to the test. It's becoming apparent that school actually does indeed get hard, which is both a good and a bad thing for me to realize. Good, because it means I'm actually getting challenged, and bad because, well, it sucks to work your ass off to be average. BUT! Did I not ask for exactly that about six months ago? Indeed I did. Some might say, "Be careful what you wish for," but I'm very glad because I know there's a reason I'm doing all of this.

I don't really like being average, but it doesn't get to me as badly as it does to some other people. Sure, if I'm running on the track at the gym and someone passes me, I get a flash of an insatiable desire to race them, but I'm still working on how to use that subtle competitive streak to my benefit. I can't live my life comparing myself to the curve, thinking that getting a B on the most impossible test ever isn't good enough because almost half the class did better than me. That doesn't make sense, really. It makes me feel insecure about getting into a good medical school - I've always considered myself strong enough for the best, but for some reason it never shows up right on paper. I think somehow I'll be able to express my strengths to get as much as I deserve, but it'll take time for me to figure out how to use my talents wisely. Also, I'm unbelievably glad I'm not a biology major anymore, just because it comes with a whole culture that I can't be a part of anymore. What it comes down to is learning material that you don't really feel crazy passionate about so that you can beat someone else on a test and get a better internship than them. Sorry, but that's lame. Really lame.

3. I've actually settled into a daily bump and grind, to the point that my day is getting more and more dictated by the emotion I feel when I wake up in the morning. I'm realizing that this is a somewhat random process - one day I'll be chock full of hope and the next I'll be counting down the minutes until I can get back into bed. I never really know what it'll be until I wake up - maybe it's an effect of what I was dreaming about. I'm becoming more and more convinced that dreams are amazing and undervalued. I've been having some pretty crazy vivid ones since I came to school, and I think it might be a product of all the city background noise that keeps my mind moving once I get to sleep (still getting used to it, but it's getting better). Speaking of which, I had one such dream last night. All I really remember was that I had just finished unwrapping a gigantic cupcake that I could almost already taste... and then my alarm went off. It would have been the best cupcake ever. To whoever it is that controls my dreams (well, I guess that would be my brain...) - can I please have my cupcake back tonight?

know what i miss? writing here. I'll be right back.

Dear Cold Virus,

All I really want to say is, "Fuck you," but all I can utter is an "Achoo." So here I proclaim to you that I hate your guts. Also because I'm edgy about a hundred other things, but you are the only being I am justified to take it out on, so fuck you.

I can't believe that some people are like this all the time, that this is how they live. Sure, usually my life is cool most of the time, and then I hit a patch where everything that can go wrong will go wrong and they all jump on top of one another and mosh around in my head, but does this happen all the time to some people? Shit just crashes all over the place, and I start swearing more than usual and it's a thousand times harder to crack a joke. Everything gets under my skin, like the fact that the workout machines are uncapable of reading my heart rate and tell me that I'm working out at a heart rate of 76 when I can take it myself and it's at least 150. At this rate of stress and tenseness, it was probably 140 before I even stepped onto the elliptical. Then again, why should I tell a machine to read my heart rate if I can do it myself?

I thought I fixed this after working out, because I felt better, but then I look at all the crap I need to be studying for an exam that I'm expected to fail and my mood spirals downward. It doesn't help that my roommate once again has bad taste in music. Would it be too much to ask God to send me a roommate who has a good ipod playlist? Maybe it would be.

So, dear cold virus, this one's for you. Signed with no love. Not even sarcastic love. Get the hell out of here before I switch to antibiotics, damnit.

Noche En Nueva York

I realize that this is becoming less and less regular. Oh well, I'm not going to regret it.

Anyway, sometimes the thing I love most about this city is how it can make me smile so unexpectedly. Four things today, that I can remember clearly:

1) After my workout at the gym today, I decided to run a few laps on the rooftop track because I felt so loose. Who did I meet up there but a pidgeon, acting accordingly with pigeon reputation and being a weirdo (I thought about making a whole blog entry about pigeons, because they're nuts. They've evolved to be just like New Yorkers, and surely could provide a very interesting case study should anyone take the time to notice them). Anyway, this one was pretty tame except for, upon first glance, it appeared to have only one leg. It was just chilling on the edge of the building, and I had to look closely that it actually did have two legs but chose to stand on one. I don't know. Maybe it saw a flamingo in a movie and thought that it could be a flamingo too if it stood on one leg.

2) I go to grab a decaf cappucino tonight at a great coffeeshop, where they seem to think of everything that could make a coffee person happy at night (including grilled cheeses, massive cakes and Magic Hat on tap). While I was digging out some cash, the cashier offered me the hot cup of coffee sitting on the counter - apparently he had just made it for someone who decided they didn't want it. I declined, in fact, though at any other point in a day I would have jumped on it. He then took the cup of coffee off in search of a kid he had just talked to whose date never showed up, and we both contemplated to pros and cons of shouting out, "Hey, who's the kid who got stood up? Do you want a free coffee?" Never found him, but probably because neither of us had the heart to call out for him. The coffee went to an employee who was making an orange juice (who drinks orange juice at 9 on a saturday night?) while the quirky cashier went on break.

3) Guy in a banana suit dancing in front of Jamba Juice on Saturday night. Really, a banana suit in SoHo? That guy deserves a raise. That or he was being punished for something he did - maybe he made someone a strawberry pineapple smoothie instead of a strawberry banana smoothie (hence the suit: "BANANA, BANANA, BANANA"). I walked by and he said hello to me, just like nothing was unusual. I actually couldn't help but laugh, because I had been standing across the street waiting for the light to change and watching the poor guy make the best of being a banana on a saturday night instead of doing anything else he would much rather have been doing. At least he had fun with it, and I would go to Jamba Juice if only for his sake.

4) And lastly, the man on the steps outside his front door, playing the violin as if he were serenading the neighborhood but really kind of just sucking. At first you think, "Ah, how beautiful." Then you listen and think, "Um, is it supposed to sound like that?" At least some New Yorkers put their egos to good use...