Unsinkable Feeling

I realize that I've been pushed off an edge. I also realize that I'm off that edge, but other than that, haven't really gone anywhere. It's like I'm suspended in the air, not going up or down or left or right, just floating like this. I don't know how far it is down - it could be a two feet or a thousand feet - and I don't seem to care. I should care. I should care a lot, let myself fall to discover how far it really is. But I don't care, and I don't know what to do about it.

Caring makes all the difference, but can you make yourself care? It's just that when I got pushed off that edge, I forgot that I was supposed to obey the laws of gravity like everyone else. And now what do I do, hanging up here without any gravity of my own to make me care?

I think I just don't want it to be that simple - I don't want to go, "Oops!" and Boom be down there with everyone else. I'm sure some ridiculous inner part of me is just completely against any idea of discovery of this unknown, but what's on my mind now is just that I'm floating. What happens if I find gravity and let myself fall down? I'll probably get up and start running and be fine. What happens if I stay floating? The possibility of more. But more than what? More than what I think is below me - perhaps if I float long enough I'll find some ground that looks better to me than this one does. It's all about perception - I'm sure if I changed my perception I'd see the ground differently and be excited to meet it. But what causes one to change perception like that? Belief, unfailing belief that your current perception needs to be changed. Well, this one does. But I don't want to change this perception. This is the way I see it. This is the way I want to see it.

Why do I want to see it like this, if it's giving me this much of a problem? Because I'm too much of a dumbass to get off my high horse and put my feet on solid ground. Right now I don't want solid ground - I want to stay in the saddle and move as fast as I can over the ground (literally and figuratively, I suppose).

I want to see something else, but not a different perception of the same thing. I want to see something else entirely. Is that wrong? I'm telling myself it's wrong. But I don't want it to be wrong, because it's what feels right. Right now, I want to see something else entirely and don't want to feel guilty about that want. But I do...

So I'm floating, aimless and endless, stubborn and guilty, because this is what I want.