They do say that you can do whatever you put your mind to, but there are even a few catches there. It depends a lot on the little stuff, like if you can write well enough to convince a college to accept you, but even a lot of those things we have control over. It's not that I'm that great of a writer - I just needed it bad enough to put everything I had into putting together the best representation of myself on paper. I think I do believe if there's a will, there's a way - it's just that in some cases it takes so much will that the challenges seem insurmountable. That's where the true journey begins, in realizing that you have the will.
If you want something for your life, take it. Please, please don't do something you don't love just for the sake of it, because it will never be worth it to you in the end. I would so much rather graduate college unemployed but with a degree in something I loved instead of with a job and a crappy diploma that only came from doing a lot of work that I didn't enjoy. It's kind of parallel to people's reactions about my transferring from HC - random friends will ask me about it, interested to hear what I have to say. I'm probably thinking of this because I just got to talk to my friend Kevin, who I haven't really talked to in a while, and I was reminded of how cool he was because he was genuinely interested in what I was looking for outside of HC. I love it when people don't get defensive or think that I look down on them when we talk about my decision, and it was really refreshing to have this conversation with him. All judgements aside, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. I kind of feel like I'll miss people like him the most, because I won't have the chance to get to know them better.
It's not that I'm so unique because I actually like my classes. I'm a nerd anyway because I really try to like every class I have, and even though I sometimes don't want to go to them, they make so much more sense if you try to see where the prof is coming from and why he or she is teaching you. It all connects in a roundabout way - it just takes some more work to try to pull it all together in your head. Also, don't pick classes because they're supposed to be easy, or because the prof is easy, because that's a recipe for disaster. Do what you want, not what someone else tells you is the easy thing to do. I don't get that - Erin obsesses over ratemyteacher.com before picking any classes and has to go over the proposed syllabus with a fine tooth comb before deciding that the class is too hard for her. A class is only hard if you let it be.
I'm spieling again, sorry. Bottom line: do what you love and you never work a day in your life. Sound familiar?
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Todo Se Va Lo Se Va
Here's the dealio. I would love to be able to live like Jason Mraz - he plays what he wants and lives by what he hears, and gets to spend his whole life making records of what just sounds good to him. Admittedly, he's probably high as a kite 24/7, but his way of life is to be envied.
I don't want to envy him. I want to be able to see and feel as honestly as he does, and though I think I do somewhat often, it's intimidating to see how he can follow the wind wherever it goes. I think about how I'm so comitted to grad school and my career and everything, and though I know that that's what I want and love, I also wish I could spend my twenties wandering. Maybe I still can, but I want to hold onto his type of mindset as long as possible. On another note (ha) his sound tonight had a lot more jazz and blues influence than I expected. It was pretty damn awesome, to say the least, and I have no choice now but to buy the new album...
But I don't feel like writing about the here and now anymore. Finally the here and now is less of an issue, so I can let my mind wander again. Have you ever seen Raoul Dufy's paintings? Well, they're kind of more watercolors, but they're all so beautiful. I found Dufy for the first time a long time ago, in all the little prints hanging around my great-aunt's apartment in Hastings, NY. She has always been the quirky aunt - her life story has been more than colorful, and it's hard for me to put together any solid image of her if all I know of her are the things that people weren't embarassed to tell me. To describe her, she's a lot like Mrs. Robinson from the Graduate. Anyway, I have always been curious about her, and she and I have found that we have a few very random things in common. She was just as much of a Yankee fan at my age as I am, and even got a phone call from the first baseman once after she wrote him a letter. She has a surprising taste in music and isn't afraid of all the new stuff out there, including John Mayer and other (granted, non-hip hop) current artists. She's probably going to vote for Obama, though I don't know that for sure, and most of all, she loves Raoul Dufy.
Ever since I realized how wonderful his paintings were, she pounced on that opportunity to get a little closer to me. Now, whenever she sends a card, it's got a Dufy on the front - she even gave me an old postcard that a favorite family member wrote to her a long time ago (I never got to meet her). It's Dufy whose paintings cover that big wall in my room at home, six posters ranging from sailboats to horse races to floral arrangements. At first glance, he's just another French painter, but he reminds me of life the way Jason Mraz does, in a sense. It's really beautiful, when you get down to it, but you just have to be brave enough and smart enough to want to get down to it.
So go google Dufy if you want to see something beautiful. I need to start making art again - hearing all this music lately is making me long for any kind of art at all. I can feel it coming. Well, maybe it's that I feel summer coming, but summer is art in its own respect, don't you think?
I don't want to envy him. I want to be able to see and feel as honestly as he does, and though I think I do somewhat often, it's intimidating to see how he can follow the wind wherever it goes. I think about how I'm so comitted to grad school and my career and everything, and though I know that that's what I want and love, I also wish I could spend my twenties wandering. Maybe I still can, but I want to hold onto his type of mindset as long as possible. On another note (ha) his sound tonight had a lot more jazz and blues influence than I expected. It was pretty damn awesome, to say the least, and I have no choice now but to buy the new album...
But I don't feel like writing about the here and now anymore. Finally the here and now is less of an issue, so I can let my mind wander again. Have you ever seen Raoul Dufy's paintings? Well, they're kind of more watercolors, but they're all so beautiful. I found Dufy for the first time a long time ago, in all the little prints hanging around my great-aunt's apartment in Hastings, NY. She has always been the quirky aunt - her life story has been more than colorful, and it's hard for me to put together any solid image of her if all I know of her are the things that people weren't embarassed to tell me. To describe her, she's a lot like Mrs. Robinson from the Graduate. Anyway, I have always been curious about her, and she and I have found that we have a few very random things in common. She was just as much of a Yankee fan at my age as I am, and even got a phone call from the first baseman once after she wrote him a letter. She has a surprising taste in music and isn't afraid of all the new stuff out there, including John Mayer and other (granted, non-hip hop) current artists. She's probably going to vote for Obama, though I don't know that for sure, and most of all, she loves Raoul Dufy.
Ever since I realized how wonderful his paintings were, she pounced on that opportunity to get a little closer to me. Now, whenever she sends a card, it's got a Dufy on the front - she even gave me an old postcard that a favorite family member wrote to her a long time ago (I never got to meet her). It's Dufy whose paintings cover that big wall in my room at home, six posters ranging from sailboats to horse races to floral arrangements. At first glance, he's just another French painter, but he reminds me of life the way Jason Mraz does, in a sense. It's really beautiful, when you get down to it, but you just have to be brave enough and smart enough to want to get down to it.
So go google Dufy if you want to see something beautiful. I need to start making art again - hearing all this music lately is making me long for any kind of art at all. I can feel it coming. Well, maybe it's that I feel summer coming, but summer is art in its own respect, don't you think?
Monday, April 28, 2008
So This Is What That Feels Like
I feel just about right for the first time in I don't know how long. Finally all the stuff going on in my head coincides with, well, me. I told Gina and Jordan today that I got into NYU (:-D) and even though that was sad, because it makes the fact that I'm leaving more real, it was exciting for the same reason. The timing is quite right and stuff just makes sense. Poetic, I know, but that's just what it's like.
I really do feel that this year was worth a lot to me, and I'm wouldn't say I needed it, but it certainly has made a difference. I'll still miss things about HC, even if I made it seem like I wouldn't miss anything at times. It's impossible to live somewhere for 8 months and not get attached to certain things. I'm just happy because I was capable of attaching at all, if that makes any sense. I'm glad, in a strange way, that I'm going to miss Jordan and Gina as much as I am, because it tells me that they really are important to me.
At the same time, though, I need to keep going and it never felt more right. I feel alone again, but not in a bad way at all - excited for a new adventure, one that I have to take on myself. That is, after all, what I asked for - a new challenge and way of life. I have all of these new things to deal with, like the fact that I need to get a rush decision from Brown so that I can reply to NYU by the May 14 deadline (I kind of wanted to find all this out at home, but it's all the same news regardless of where I am). It's actually all real now, instead of just this liquified mess moving around in my head and crowding my brain in my skull. I can finally put a finger on it and define it. It's funny, because I realized that if someone were to ask me now why I'm transferring, I wouldn't be able to give them a straight answer. We all know all too well that I don't have a straight answer, I just have paragraphs and paragraphs of mush that somehow came to an answer. But I know it's what I need, and I've known that for a while, and it's just crazy to be able to have what I want and need at once. I never got to have this feeling last year, the one where I get a real choice on my future. I mean of course I could have chosen not to come to HC, or to go to the one other school I applied to, but I know in my heart that I was never as excited for HC as I am right now for what's in store. Getting into Brown would just be the icing on the cake, that's all I can say.
Lastly:
Dear God,
I'm sorry I didn't make it to church yesterday to thank you for it all. I know I say it all the time, but I really would have meant it last night, just as much as I mean it now. I could justify not going to church because I was studying and trying to use the gifts you gave me in the best way possible, but the truth is that I should have planned better. So, even though this isn't nearly the same thing, I want to put it in writing that I'm sorry and of all times, I should have been there for you last night. I could try to make you a deal or something, but the only way I can live up to it is to thank you by living instead of by saying. Thanks for giving me the chance to.
That's all. :-)
I really do feel that this year was worth a lot to me, and I'm wouldn't say I needed it, but it certainly has made a difference. I'll still miss things about HC, even if I made it seem like I wouldn't miss anything at times. It's impossible to live somewhere for 8 months and not get attached to certain things. I'm just happy because I was capable of attaching at all, if that makes any sense. I'm glad, in a strange way, that I'm going to miss Jordan and Gina as much as I am, because it tells me that they really are important to me.
At the same time, though, I need to keep going and it never felt more right. I feel alone again, but not in a bad way at all - excited for a new adventure, one that I have to take on myself. That is, after all, what I asked for - a new challenge and way of life. I have all of these new things to deal with, like the fact that I need to get a rush decision from Brown so that I can reply to NYU by the May 14 deadline (I kind of wanted to find all this out at home, but it's all the same news regardless of where I am). It's actually all real now, instead of just this liquified mess moving around in my head and crowding my brain in my skull. I can finally put a finger on it and define it. It's funny, because I realized that if someone were to ask me now why I'm transferring, I wouldn't be able to give them a straight answer. We all know all too well that I don't have a straight answer, I just have paragraphs and paragraphs of mush that somehow came to an answer. But I know it's what I need, and I've known that for a while, and it's just crazy to be able to have what I want and need at once. I never got to have this feeling last year, the one where I get a real choice on my future. I mean of course I could have chosen not to come to HC, or to go to the one other school I applied to, but I know in my heart that I was never as excited for HC as I am right now for what's in store. Getting into Brown would just be the icing on the cake, that's all I can say.
Lastly:
Dear God,
I'm sorry I didn't make it to church yesterday to thank you for it all. I know I say it all the time, but I really would have meant it last night, just as much as I mean it now. I could justify not going to church because I was studying and trying to use the gifts you gave me in the best way possible, but the truth is that I should have planned better. So, even though this isn't nearly the same thing, I want to put it in writing that I'm sorry and of all times, I should have been there for you last night. I could try to make you a deal or something, but the only way I can live up to it is to thank you by living instead of by saying. Thanks for giving me the chance to.
That's all. :-)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Back Again
Good old TEB, bringing me back to myself when I least expect it. I've seen a few artist perform, but nothing matches up to the way they hit the stage. We got lucky that Stephan Jenkins was having a good night and fell in love with the crowd (enough to prompt him to break into a Nelly song halfway through Never Let You Go), plus the four of us were the best fans there who brought the top hats (SJ always performs with the same one). It's one of those shows that you don't realize you're really there until after it's over, when they're leaving the stage to the crowd humming the reprise they wrote especially for that purpose. Even if you don't know all of their music, I would say it's definitely something you have to do before you die. Anyway, that split personality is knocking on my door again, which feels strangely good because I've lost track of it lately. But I'm reminded why I want more, because there's the other side of myself that I forget about so easily.
Crystal Baller
Third Eye Blind
I close my eyes and I see a freak
I think it's me and I'm afraid to speak
So I keep on going from week to weakness
Way out in a line
I dream of lives we could have had before,
But the heat is broke down, open doorways
Friends of yours will tell me more
What happens in your mind?
ooo ohh ohh
Can we try and take the high road?
Though we don't know where it ends
I wanna be your Crystal Baller
Wanna show you how it ends
Macramé queens in the afternoon
And I'm in tune or did I speak too soon
Punch drunk off of somebody's joke
What happened to the time?
A foot note in your dance-off days
In my mind that record still plays
Still wonder what the fuck it says
I'm hoping there is time
Can we try and take the high road
Though we don't know where it ends
I wanna be your Crystal Baller
I can show you how it ends
Can we talk about tomorrow
And the promise that it brings?
I wanna be your Crystal Baller
I want to show you everything
I wonder what the whole thing's for?
I wonder what the whole thing's for?
In the moment you were screaming at me
I must have been somebody else
And the patrons of the pub keep singing
Macramé queens in the afternoon
And I'm in tune or did I speak too soon
Punch drunk off of somebody's joke
What happened to the time?
I dream of lives we could have had before,
But the heat is broke down, open doorways
Like waiting for a trick to score
It seems that way sometimes
I wonder where we're all going
I'm homesick for your primal knowing
I wonder why the wind keeps blowing
You through my mind
Try and take the high road
Remember we were friends
I wanna be your Crystal Baller
I want to be your diamond ring
The one I never gave you
And the promise that it brings
Let me be your Crystal Baller
I will show you everything
Be your Crystal Baller
Be your Crystal Baller
Crystal Baller
Third Eye Blind
I close my eyes and I see a freak
I think it's me and I'm afraid to speak
So I keep on going from week to weakness
Way out in a line
I dream of lives we could have had before,
But the heat is broke down, open doorways
Friends of yours will tell me more
What happens in your mind?
ooo ohh ohh
Can we try and take the high road?
Though we don't know where it ends
I wanna be your Crystal Baller
Wanna show you how it ends
Macramé queens in the afternoon
And I'm in tune or did I speak too soon
Punch drunk off of somebody's joke
What happened to the time?
A foot note in your dance-off days
In my mind that record still plays
Still wonder what the fuck it says
I'm hoping there is time
Can we try and take the high road
Though we don't know where it ends
I wanna be your Crystal Baller
I can show you how it ends
Can we talk about tomorrow
And the promise that it brings?
I wanna be your Crystal Baller
I want to show you everything
I wonder what the whole thing's for?
I wonder what the whole thing's for?
In the moment you were screaming at me
I must have been somebody else
And the patrons of the pub keep singing
Macramé queens in the afternoon
And I'm in tune or did I speak too soon
Punch drunk off of somebody's joke
What happened to the time?
I dream of lives we could have had before,
But the heat is broke down, open doorways
Like waiting for a trick to score
It seems that way sometimes
I wonder where we're all going
I'm homesick for your primal knowing
I wonder why the wind keeps blowing
You through my mind
Try and take the high road
Remember we were friends
I wanna be your Crystal Baller
I want to be your diamond ring
The one I never gave you
And the promise that it brings
Let me be your Crystal Baller
I will show you everything
Be your Crystal Baller
Be your Crystal Baller
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Also,
Also, not so ironically, my roommate seems to be allergic the tree that I so love outside my window. I have a dragon tatooed on my left arm and I'm a big fan. I'm excited for tomorrow because I've been planning my outfit all week and it's pretty much fantastic. I'm in serious need of some music therapy at the moment - thank God for Third Eye Blind is all I can say. Lastly, I ate a chocolate covered bug in lab yesterday. It tasted like a KitKat. I wouldn't recommend it.
Deep Inside of You
Third Eye Blind
When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you
These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah
And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you
Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cause I live to be
Deep inside of you
Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you
You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still
I've never felt alone
'Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cause I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you,
and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me
But we were broke and didn't know it
We were broke and didn't know it
We were broke and didn't know it
We were broke and didn't know
Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you
I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you
And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep Inside of You
Third Eye Blind
When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you
These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah
And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you
Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cause I live to be
Deep inside of you
Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you
You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still
I've never felt alone
'Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you
And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cause I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you,
and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me
But we were broke and didn't know it
We were broke and didn't know it
We were broke and didn't know it
We were broke and didn't know
Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you
I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you
And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Oh Hey There
A flock of mosquitoes have colonized my room. More specifically, they've colonized the wall space between the wall and my lampshade, since they like to jump off the wall and attack the lamp and don't seem to realize that it isn't doing much good. Where did they get this kamikaze tendency to fly towards the light?
I feel like thinking hard, and it's been a while since I've done that. It's kind of sad that Grey's Anatomy did this to me, but it just reminded me of why Grey's is amazing. I don't understand how the writers do it - they set up these scenes that superficially don't have anything to do with most people's lives, yet everyone walks away from the TV thinking about something in their own lives. It's the only way TV should be - I'd be perfectly fine if every TV show was like Grey's. Right now I just feel like I walked around a corner and found myself sitting there, waiting for me. Not in that great way, either, not like I just FOUND myself, but that I forgot about myself and now feel like crap for doing it. I haven't been feeling a whole lot lately, because the sun's been distracting enough and it's only 15 days till this chapter is done. It's like I forgot about emotions for a while, and I won't deny that it was a nice break but I need them back now.
And I have no idea what to do about these little mosquitoes - I can't very well kill them all, because they're in this weird spot and I don't want to move the lamp for fear that they'll go berserk and colonise the whole room. I don't really want to kill them, either, because I just feel bad that they're stuck there, pinging in between the wall and the lampshade like they don't have a choice. The last thing they really need is someone banging on their wall, trying to kill them. I wonder when they'll figure it out. The worst part is that they probably won't, because they don't have much in the way of nervous systems and therefore have little capacity to learn. It seems like there are fewer mosquitoes now, though - maybe there's still a hope that they can change their habits.
I really want to sleep right now, because that's usually something that changes me. Now that I have my emotions back, maybe I'll feel a weird one tomorrow and it'll throw off my whole day. In a strange way, I'm looking forward to it - I kind of want to go to bed right now so that I can wake up and feel something new. Oh, stop with the despondency and write your paper.
I feel like thinking hard, and it's been a while since I've done that. It's kind of sad that Grey's Anatomy did this to me, but it just reminded me of why Grey's is amazing. I don't understand how the writers do it - they set up these scenes that superficially don't have anything to do with most people's lives, yet everyone walks away from the TV thinking about something in their own lives. It's the only way TV should be - I'd be perfectly fine if every TV show was like Grey's. Right now I just feel like I walked around a corner and found myself sitting there, waiting for me. Not in that great way, either, not like I just FOUND myself, but that I forgot about myself and now feel like crap for doing it. I haven't been feeling a whole lot lately, because the sun's been distracting enough and it's only 15 days till this chapter is done. It's like I forgot about emotions for a while, and I won't deny that it was a nice break but I need them back now.
And I have no idea what to do about these little mosquitoes - I can't very well kill them all, because they're in this weird spot and I don't want to move the lamp for fear that they'll go berserk and colonise the whole room. I don't really want to kill them, either, because I just feel bad that they're stuck there, pinging in between the wall and the lampshade like they don't have a choice. The last thing they really need is someone banging on their wall, trying to kill them. I wonder when they'll figure it out. The worst part is that they probably won't, because they don't have much in the way of nervous systems and therefore have little capacity to learn. It seems like there are fewer mosquitoes now, though - maybe there's still a hope that they can change their habits.
I really want to sleep right now, because that's usually something that changes me. Now that I have my emotions back, maybe I'll feel a weird one tomorrow and it'll throw off my whole day. In a strange way, I'm looking forward to it - I kind of want to go to bed right now so that I can wake up and feel something new. Oh, stop with the despondency and write your paper.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
The Break
I shouldn't be writing this right now - I should be trying to diminish my suddenly unsurmountable pile of work, but I haven't written in a while and I've been missing it. It's summer suddenly here - apparently the heat wave is the real deal, and while it's great, it's still bums me out because the weather shot from 40 degrees to 75 degrees in about one week. Hello, global warming!
But it feels like summer already, despite the fact that the leaves are just starting to uncurl. Apparently the tree that's been outside my window for 8 months happens to be a cherry tree, which are some of the prettiest trees in springtime. I'm seriously considering rearranging my room for the last two weeks of school so I can see out the window better. I don't actually have time to move all the stuff on my desk, but maybe some other time I'll forget about how behind I am and change it. I just forgot what it was like to go outside as the sun's setting and still feel warm. There's something about being able to smell dirt and flowers and leaves that makes the day feel so much more real - it reminds me that this is still another spring like all others.
I haven't been able to enjoy it as much as everyone else, since I spent the entire 80 degree afternoon in a bio lab, but it was my last lab. That takes me from my additional science workload down to everyone else's workload! But it's hard to be stressed when all you have to do is go outside to remember that there's still fresh air and sun and better ways to spend your time. I don't think that I could go to a school farther south, because it would mean that I wouldn't get this appreciation - I think I would lose this wonder if I got to have 70 degrees every day.
My window looks straight at another building about 40 feet away, but if I look far to the right I can see over the top of Fenwick and out to western Massachusetts. There's some kind of tower that flashes red lights periodically to ward off low-flying planes - it's funny that I've seen it every night for 8 months and I'll probably never find out what it is. Not that I care too much to fnd out, but it's always acted as a kind of marker to remind me of how far off I can see if I just sit up straight and look to the right. Maybe that's symbolic, I don't know. I don't have to. What I do need to do is work, but maybe it'll be more bearable if I actually make progress on it...
But it feels like summer already, despite the fact that the leaves are just starting to uncurl. Apparently the tree that's been outside my window for 8 months happens to be a cherry tree, which are some of the prettiest trees in springtime. I'm seriously considering rearranging my room for the last two weeks of school so I can see out the window better. I don't actually have time to move all the stuff on my desk, but maybe some other time I'll forget about how behind I am and change it. I just forgot what it was like to go outside as the sun's setting and still feel warm. There's something about being able to smell dirt and flowers and leaves that makes the day feel so much more real - it reminds me that this is still another spring like all others.
I haven't been able to enjoy it as much as everyone else, since I spent the entire 80 degree afternoon in a bio lab, but it was my last lab. That takes me from my additional science workload down to everyone else's workload! But it's hard to be stressed when all you have to do is go outside to remember that there's still fresh air and sun and better ways to spend your time. I don't think that I could go to a school farther south, because it would mean that I wouldn't get this appreciation - I think I would lose this wonder if I got to have 70 degrees every day.
My window looks straight at another building about 40 feet away, but if I look far to the right I can see over the top of Fenwick and out to western Massachusetts. There's some kind of tower that flashes red lights periodically to ward off low-flying planes - it's funny that I've seen it every night for 8 months and I'll probably never find out what it is. Not that I care too much to fnd out, but it's always acted as a kind of marker to remind me of how far off I can see if I just sit up straight and look to the right. Maybe that's symbolic, I don't know. I don't have to. What I do need to do is work, but maybe it'll be more bearable if I actually make progress on it...
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Plantaloons
I got this green sweater yesterday which I love love and I might just wear it as much as I wear that navy hoodie I have. It was a lil' pricey but if I get that sort of mileage out of it, I'll have practically stolen it from the store :-)
There's a greenhouse in the middle of our campus that is loaded with all these beautiful potted plants that are almost ready to be planted in the gardens around campus. I never knew what that greenhouse was for, but a couple weeks ago all these little pots appeared and now every time I walk by I'm just dying to go in. There are plants everywhere - grasses and ivies and more flowers than I could count. The colors are amazing - greens and pinks and yellows and whites and reds and purples just don't come any way like plants can make them. It's so funny that plants don't have eyes and have no need for color other than to attract pollinators, yet they make color better than anyone. They don't have any idea how beautiful they are - well they don't have any ideas at all, without a nervous system, but still. They're just as naturally occurring as rocks and rivers and mountains, but they're more amazing than we realize day to day. Even the ugly ones are unique - some make poisons that smell like you wouldn't believe.
I don't think I'd appreciate plants nearly this much if I didn't spend two and a half months studying them, but it's not hard to understand how amazing they are. They're entirely self sufficient and can deal with anything, even getting eaten. Take grass, for example - a patch of grass is actually all one plant. All the blades of grass are interconnected under the soil, so that one or two bites means nothing to the whole monoculture. In fact, grazers actually help the grass - they fertize it with their you-know-what to keep it alive and well. They aerate the soil by walking all over it, so it gains oxygen and nitrogen from the air. Grass is freakin amazing, and no one thinks about it!
And, sadly, I'm not just talking about the grass of 4/20... I'm talking about the plain green stuff under trees...
There's a greenhouse in the middle of our campus that is loaded with all these beautiful potted plants that are almost ready to be planted in the gardens around campus. I never knew what that greenhouse was for, but a couple weeks ago all these little pots appeared and now every time I walk by I'm just dying to go in. There are plants everywhere - grasses and ivies and more flowers than I could count. The colors are amazing - greens and pinks and yellows and whites and reds and purples just don't come any way like plants can make them. It's so funny that plants don't have eyes and have no need for color other than to attract pollinators, yet they make color better than anyone. They don't have any idea how beautiful they are - well they don't have any ideas at all, without a nervous system, but still. They're just as naturally occurring as rocks and rivers and mountains, but they're more amazing than we realize day to day. Even the ugly ones are unique - some make poisons that smell like you wouldn't believe.
I don't think I'd appreciate plants nearly this much if I didn't spend two and a half months studying them, but it's not hard to understand how amazing they are. They're entirely self sufficient and can deal with anything, even getting eaten. Take grass, for example - a patch of grass is actually all one plant. All the blades of grass are interconnected under the soil, so that one or two bites means nothing to the whole monoculture. In fact, grazers actually help the grass - they fertize it with their you-know-what to keep it alive and well. They aerate the soil by walking all over it, so it gains oxygen and nitrogen from the air. Grass is freakin amazing, and no one thinks about it!
And, sadly, I'm not just talking about the grass of 4/20... I'm talking about the plain green stuff under trees...
Sunday
This just feels like Sunday, through and through. It's gorgeous out, once again, and surprisingly quiet despite the hoardes of parents and pre-froshes milling about for open house (not to mention the stereos playing out windows). Yeah, I guess it's not quiet at all, but it feels like it for me. It also feels like a Sunday because I feel really hungover, which sucks because I haven't drank anything since last weekend so I have no excuse for this headache and weird nausea. Not that I'm hungover on Sundays much, but you know what I mean. I also can't find my chapstick, which is quite frustrating.
But otherwise, all is well. I think it's humorous that I'm really excited to talk to my parents, since they've been on vacation and cell-phone free for the past week and I want to know how it went. I already know that its freakish how close I am to my parents, but whatever. I know that I'm going to be the one in the future who keeps the closest eye over them while they get older - my dad takes care of his mother the way I'll end up taking care of my parents. It's not because my siblings care less than I do, but it's part of being the youngest - you get to know your parents in a different way, so that you're most accustomed to living and dealing with them. I might have written this before, but I think that my siblings and I are distinct fractions of our parents in terms of our personalities. My sister is half my dad, half my mom; my brother is 3/4 my mom, 1/4 my dad; I'm 3/4 my dad, 1/4 my mom. The good part about that is that our parents seem to like one another decently enough, so those halves and quarters mix pretty well among the family. I guess issues would come when the genes got more mixed up and didnt end up being so compatible.
Hm. I got hit with that restless thing yesterday, even though I hadn't been thinking about it for a while. It has something to do with traveling, since I was doing that yesterday, but I was surprised that I still felt it when I wasn't travelling alone. I was riding the shuttle back to school from Boston last night with Gina when I realized that I wasn't travelling alone - it was a strange feeling, good of course but not as much of a relief as I thought it'd be. I still feel that alienation factor that I can't seem to kick, but it's starting to scare me less. I'm accepting it more, I guess, and I don't mean that in a mopey sad way. It feels more like me lately.
I am worried, however, that my imagination seems to be dwindling. Lately I'm either focused on homework or procrastination, and I feel like I'm running out of fresh ideas. Hopefully that's just the end-of-school bug, since all I really want to do is go to the beach or jump in a pool or something. I also can't sleep much anymore, which is surely contributing to my sober hangover at the moment. Oh well, it'll come back eventually, just bear with me for a little.
But otherwise, all is well. I think it's humorous that I'm really excited to talk to my parents, since they've been on vacation and cell-phone free for the past week and I want to know how it went. I already know that its freakish how close I am to my parents, but whatever. I know that I'm going to be the one in the future who keeps the closest eye over them while they get older - my dad takes care of his mother the way I'll end up taking care of my parents. It's not because my siblings care less than I do, but it's part of being the youngest - you get to know your parents in a different way, so that you're most accustomed to living and dealing with them. I might have written this before, but I think that my siblings and I are distinct fractions of our parents in terms of our personalities. My sister is half my dad, half my mom; my brother is 3/4 my mom, 1/4 my dad; I'm 3/4 my dad, 1/4 my mom. The good part about that is that our parents seem to like one another decently enough, so those halves and quarters mix pretty well among the family. I guess issues would come when the genes got more mixed up and didnt end up being so compatible.
Hm. I got hit with that restless thing yesterday, even though I hadn't been thinking about it for a while. It has something to do with traveling, since I was doing that yesterday, but I was surprised that I still felt it when I wasn't travelling alone. I was riding the shuttle back to school from Boston last night with Gina when I realized that I wasn't travelling alone - it was a strange feeling, good of course but not as much of a relief as I thought it'd be. I still feel that alienation factor that I can't seem to kick, but it's starting to scare me less. I'm accepting it more, I guess, and I don't mean that in a mopey sad way. It feels more like me lately.
I am worried, however, that my imagination seems to be dwindling. Lately I'm either focused on homework or procrastination, and I feel like I'm running out of fresh ideas. Hopefully that's just the end-of-school bug, since all I really want to do is go to the beach or jump in a pool or something. I also can't sleep much anymore, which is surely contributing to my sober hangover at the moment. Oh well, it'll come back eventually, just bear with me for a little.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Insert Title Here
We had a coffehouse event of sorts in the basement of our dorm tonight, and it made me wish I actually had the courage to sing out loud instead of underneath the music. It's just one of those things that I don't want to do yet. Maybe it's a lot like eating shellfish - I have to get over my mental block first. But I'll do it one day. I just have to wait and see when, don't worry.
So we all got screwed for our schedules for next semester. I did in fact wind up with the calc at 8 am four days a week, and an orgo class I didn't want to take because it's one of those subjects where the prof REALLY matters, and my life would be a thousand times easier if I could just stick with the guy I've had so far. I have labs Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, followed by a three hour art studio on Friday afternoon (East Asian Art Studio - don't ask). But at least I have four classes, some people are still stuck with just one. I don't get how you manage to pull that off, but apparently its feasible.
It's crazy that this is one year of college, done already (almost). This show we had in the basement was similar to a talent show we had during orientation in the fall, but it was so fun to see that we actually know one another now. I'm just thinking back to sitting there 9 months ago, meeting some of these kids for the first time and not expecting anything of it. It's absolutely true that I didn't know what to expect, because I don't feel like I was wrong about what I first thought about certain people. I don't mean judging them in a harsh way, because I don't feel like that's what I did. Actually, I'm glad that my first impressions were pretty accurate, because it means I was able to see people the way they were, instead of how I wanted to see them. It was probably the fact that I had no idea what to expect which gained me this openmindedness - without expectations, I was willing to let anything happen.
I don't think I even had expectations of how this year on the whole was going to go. That fateful day, when I read "We are unable to accept you at this time" over and over again, in between my rants of frustration my parents even said, "Well, see how it goes, and if you want to try again next year, you certainly can." And I had an adamant reaction of, "No, I DON'T want to transfer." Well, har har, look where that got me. It makes me feel better, though, thinking that maybe I really did start with an open mind and go where it took me.
Case in point - the weather is beautiful, and I feel like my job here is done. That's a good feeling. And maybe with this trend of optimism, taking rejections won't be as hard the second time around (that's a lie, by the way)...
So we all got screwed for our schedules for next semester. I did in fact wind up with the calc at 8 am four days a week, and an orgo class I didn't want to take because it's one of those subjects where the prof REALLY matters, and my life would be a thousand times easier if I could just stick with the guy I've had so far. I have labs Wednesday and Thursday afternoon, followed by a three hour art studio on Friday afternoon (East Asian Art Studio - don't ask). But at least I have four classes, some people are still stuck with just one. I don't get how you manage to pull that off, but apparently its feasible.
It's crazy that this is one year of college, done already (almost). This show we had in the basement was similar to a talent show we had during orientation in the fall, but it was so fun to see that we actually know one another now. I'm just thinking back to sitting there 9 months ago, meeting some of these kids for the first time and not expecting anything of it. It's absolutely true that I didn't know what to expect, because I don't feel like I was wrong about what I first thought about certain people. I don't mean judging them in a harsh way, because I don't feel like that's what I did. Actually, I'm glad that my first impressions were pretty accurate, because it means I was able to see people the way they were, instead of how I wanted to see them. It was probably the fact that I had no idea what to expect which gained me this openmindedness - without expectations, I was willing to let anything happen.
I don't think I even had expectations of how this year on the whole was going to go. That fateful day, when I read "We are unable to accept you at this time" over and over again, in between my rants of frustration my parents even said, "Well, see how it goes, and if you want to try again next year, you certainly can." And I had an adamant reaction of, "No, I DON'T want to transfer." Well, har har, look where that got me. It makes me feel better, though, thinking that maybe I really did start with an open mind and go where it took me.
Case in point - the weather is beautiful, and I feel like my job here is done. That's a good feeling. And maybe with this trend of optimism, taking rejections won't be as hard the second time around (that's a lie, by the way)...
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Food Critic
I agree. I'm finally coming into a clearing of sorts - it's springtime, and the weather has been unbelievable for the past few days. Not shorts and a T-shirt weather, but 70 degrees seems like the absolute perfect temperature at the moment. Plus I don't have any summer clothes to wear, so I can improvise with what I have left :-) I got sunburned some more today, which tells me that spring is actually a real thing and not some far-off possibility. It's funny that we spent the VAST majority of our time in the dark and cold up here, but we all live for these last two weeks of classes when we're reminded of how that thing called the sun actually feels...
I actually stepped outside of the box and tried some crayfish today - not really worth all the work of pulling off arms and legs and a tail and all that to get to this bland fishy meat. I have this mental block against some foods, like mushrooms and shellfish, where I just won't eat them because I have no desire to. I just decided I didn't like mushrooms one day, I think, and I haven't eaten them since. I don't even remember what they taste like anymore. Likewise, I decided a LONG time ago that shellfish were not for me (the texture's insanely gross) so I had no intention of tasting the crayfish. But there we were in lab, cleaning up after dissecting (what else) a crayfish, and our prof was so determined to get us to eat some that he had cooked for us. I was really not going to do it either, but of course he goes and pulls it apart and hands me the meat and I took it and ate it, just because I knew I would think my way out of it.
It totally wasn't worth it. Tasted like wet chicken.
In conclusion, don't try crayfish, or shellfish in general. I'll stick with chicken and beef, and maye the exotic duck or tuna, but anything with an exoskeleton does not belong on my plate. If you feel the need to waste your time ripping limbs off an animal to get to the ounce of floppy meat in its tail, go for it. Just don't make me eat it.
I actually stepped outside of the box and tried some crayfish today - not really worth all the work of pulling off arms and legs and a tail and all that to get to this bland fishy meat. I have this mental block against some foods, like mushrooms and shellfish, where I just won't eat them because I have no desire to. I just decided I didn't like mushrooms one day, I think, and I haven't eaten them since. I don't even remember what they taste like anymore. Likewise, I decided a LONG time ago that shellfish were not for me (the texture's insanely gross) so I had no intention of tasting the crayfish. But there we were in lab, cleaning up after dissecting (what else) a crayfish, and our prof was so determined to get us to eat some that he had cooked for us. I was really not going to do it either, but of course he goes and pulls it apart and hands me the meat and I took it and ate it, just because I knew I would think my way out of it.
It totally wasn't worth it. Tasted like wet chicken.
In conclusion, don't try crayfish, or shellfish in general. I'll stick with chicken and beef, and maye the exotic duck or tuna, but anything with an exoskeleton does not belong on my plate. If you feel the need to waste your time ripping limbs off an animal to get to the ounce of floppy meat in its tail, go for it. Just don't make me eat it.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Just Mentioning
I wish my shins didn't hurt so much - apparently I've gotten really old since the last time I ran consistently. But I talked Gina into running outside with me, since there's this crazy thing called spring that makes it warm at night (and by warm, I mean 51 degrees - enough to send kids outside in shorts and flip flops to play frisbee). My running has been all off lately, since it's been making me nauseous for some reason, so the fresh air was nice.
There's so many things happening lately... Gina's not so sure she wants to head back to Minnesota, now that her boyfriend decided to come out to Northeastern. She's really hoping to get into BC now, but we all know how BC admissions are. Jordan and I are going into Boston with her on Saturday to get an unofficial tour of BC from one of Jordan's friends - if that doesn't make Jordan a good friend, I don't know what does. Likewise, it's making me more nervous about the whole college admissions thing, but I've got seemingly less on my plate than Gina at the moment.
We also have to pick housing and classes for next year - it seems so easy to plan on being here next year, but then I stop and remember that perhaps I will never have to take this 8 am calc class that's bringing down my sleeping schedule for next semester. And now Gina's worried about what'll happen if she doesn't end up leaving and I do, which leaves her out of a roommate.
It's funny because I'm getting to relax more lately - I still have a ton of work, but something about having two weeks of classes left makes me feel a lot better (and lazy) about it. I wound up obtaining some tomato seeds and potting soil, so maybe in a few weeks, when it's time to head back home, I'll have some tomatoes growing on my windowsill. Strangely, this isn't the first time I've raised a tomato plant... a few summers ago, my mom bought me one from the supermarket and I took care of it all summer at the Cape. Plants are funny like that - somehow, they make good companions, because they respond to what you give them and give a little back to you too. It's nice to have something so natural so close - it's not about controlling nature, but more about cooperating with it. Anyway, that last tomato plant at the Cape was named Larry. I need four new names for these guys. Also need to find something to serve as stakes to support them - I grabbed a few salad bowls from the dining hall to hold the runoff water from the pots, but stakes are harder to improvise. Maybe coffee stirrers? This is definitely gardening, college style...
I wonder if my mom got me that tomato plant so that I'd have something to take care of. I wasn't so lost that summer - I'm pretty sure that was one of the best summers I had at the Cape, considering I got to ride my favorite horse almost every day. Maybe Mom just wanted some fresh tomatoes and took advantage of my tendency to latch on to inanimate objects for no apparent reason - I can't say I'd really blame her for that either. But I've been remembering a lot lately, and the tomatoes are just the beginning. We ran at the track during field hockey practice tonight, and earlier today I'd been scraping dinner plates (for reasons that are too complicated to explain) and realized that all the waste food together smelled exactly like the cafeteria did in elementary school. And for some reason, one of the bathrooms I was in today smelled like camp, and I only went to camp once...
Time to study. Maybe I'll get some nice sleep sometime before the weekend...
There's so many things happening lately... Gina's not so sure she wants to head back to Minnesota, now that her boyfriend decided to come out to Northeastern. She's really hoping to get into BC now, but we all know how BC admissions are. Jordan and I are going into Boston with her on Saturday to get an unofficial tour of BC from one of Jordan's friends - if that doesn't make Jordan a good friend, I don't know what does. Likewise, it's making me more nervous about the whole college admissions thing, but I've got seemingly less on my plate than Gina at the moment.
We also have to pick housing and classes for next year - it seems so easy to plan on being here next year, but then I stop and remember that perhaps I will never have to take this 8 am calc class that's bringing down my sleeping schedule for next semester. And now Gina's worried about what'll happen if she doesn't end up leaving and I do, which leaves her out of a roommate.
It's funny because I'm getting to relax more lately - I still have a ton of work, but something about having two weeks of classes left makes me feel a lot better (and lazy) about it. I wound up obtaining some tomato seeds and potting soil, so maybe in a few weeks, when it's time to head back home, I'll have some tomatoes growing on my windowsill. Strangely, this isn't the first time I've raised a tomato plant... a few summers ago, my mom bought me one from the supermarket and I took care of it all summer at the Cape. Plants are funny like that - somehow, they make good companions, because they respond to what you give them and give a little back to you too. It's nice to have something so natural so close - it's not about controlling nature, but more about cooperating with it. Anyway, that last tomato plant at the Cape was named Larry. I need four new names for these guys. Also need to find something to serve as stakes to support them - I grabbed a few salad bowls from the dining hall to hold the runoff water from the pots, but stakes are harder to improvise. Maybe coffee stirrers? This is definitely gardening, college style...
I wonder if my mom got me that tomato plant so that I'd have something to take care of. I wasn't so lost that summer - I'm pretty sure that was one of the best summers I had at the Cape, considering I got to ride my favorite horse almost every day. Maybe Mom just wanted some fresh tomatoes and took advantage of my tendency to latch on to inanimate objects for no apparent reason - I can't say I'd really blame her for that either. But I've been remembering a lot lately, and the tomatoes are just the beginning. We ran at the track during field hockey practice tonight, and earlier today I'd been scraping dinner plates (for reasons that are too complicated to explain) and realized that all the waste food together smelled exactly like the cafeteria did in elementary school. And for some reason, one of the bathrooms I was in today smelled like camp, and I only went to camp once...
Time to study. Maybe I'll get some nice sleep sometime before the weekend...
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Back?
Wow, it definitely gets harder and harder to go without the internet for a few days when you come to rely on it in the strange way that I have. There have been so many things running in and out of my head that I can't remember them all. At the moment, I'm glad this weekend is done with, because spending three consecutive days with my grandmother gets pretty difficult, especially when it's the grandmother who only hears what she wants to. It'd be so much better if she was just grumpy and mean, but she goes about pretending to have an open mind when she's really just set in her ways. I find it ironic that I was spending three days with her, since I'm not sure if anyone could think more differently from her than me.
Anyway, that's all past. I did get to see a lot of my favorite sister this weekend, especially when she saved my brain for an evening last night. It's funny that I'm starting to feel more comfortable and more like myself at her favorite frat in Boston than I do anywhere here, on my campus. I guess it's not all that funny, but understandable and maybe even predictable. I feel like I'm getting to the point where I could just head to Boston without her there, next year, and walk into Sigma Chi without second thought. It's something I don't have here - a home.
Anything more interesting? I got the craziest sunburn yesterday - my right hand and halfway up my right arm are fried, as is my face. Our team won our flag football game today, but for some reason that feels surprisingly less exhilarating than I expected. I think I just need to remember how to think again, since in order to survive my grandmother you have to vow to keep all your opinions to yourself, no matter how hard you want to tell her she's wrong. Teagan's moving to Fresno,CA over the summer to start at a job position, and she and I were hypothesizing about how I could get out there after I graduated to live with her. As usual, I'm thinking too far into the future. But California sounds nice right about now - it has a sunshine that is just part of everyday life. I like that it's different and far away, but that's just me wanting to run again.
I know that I do that stupid thing where I make it seem like I'm all fine and good on my own, but I'm just like everyone else and I could just use someone to hold me up from time to time. But the thing is that I never know when I'm going to need it, and so instead of investing in that, I just decide to go without, because it's not half bad - as long as nothing knocks me down. But then I'm driving the streets of Boston in my grandmother's tuna can of a car, listening to her comment on the crappy windshield wipers for the 800th time and wondering to myself how I end up where I do. It's not like there's a straight answer, or that I actually want a straight answer, but there was something about sitting in horrendous traffic with a backache that made it all seem so temporary. I don't know if its temporary in a good or bad way - some things I want to be temporary don't seem to be, and the things that I want to last only seem temporary. And then the light changes again, and I'm off across the street, wishing the accelerator was stronger and that I could only find my sister in this city so that I could finally stop wondering if there were any stability left at all.
Anyway, that's all past. I did get to see a lot of my favorite sister this weekend, especially when she saved my brain for an evening last night. It's funny that I'm starting to feel more comfortable and more like myself at her favorite frat in Boston than I do anywhere here, on my campus. I guess it's not all that funny, but understandable and maybe even predictable. I feel like I'm getting to the point where I could just head to Boston without her there, next year, and walk into Sigma Chi without second thought. It's something I don't have here - a home.
Anything more interesting? I got the craziest sunburn yesterday - my right hand and halfway up my right arm are fried, as is my face. Our team won our flag football game today, but for some reason that feels surprisingly less exhilarating than I expected. I think I just need to remember how to think again, since in order to survive my grandmother you have to vow to keep all your opinions to yourself, no matter how hard you want to tell her she's wrong. Teagan's moving to Fresno,CA over the summer to start at a job position, and she and I were hypothesizing about how I could get out there after I graduated to live with her. As usual, I'm thinking too far into the future. But California sounds nice right about now - it has a sunshine that is just part of everyday life. I like that it's different and far away, but that's just me wanting to run again.
I know that I do that stupid thing where I make it seem like I'm all fine and good on my own, but I'm just like everyone else and I could just use someone to hold me up from time to time. But the thing is that I never know when I'm going to need it, and so instead of investing in that, I just decide to go without, because it's not half bad - as long as nothing knocks me down. But then I'm driving the streets of Boston in my grandmother's tuna can of a car, listening to her comment on the crappy windshield wipers for the 800th time and wondering to myself how I end up where I do. It's not like there's a straight answer, or that I actually want a straight answer, but there was something about sitting in horrendous traffic with a backache that made it all seem so temporary. I don't know if its temporary in a good or bad way - some things I want to be temporary don't seem to be, and the things that I want to last only seem temporary. And then the light changes again, and I'm off across the street, wishing the accelerator was stronger and that I could only find my sister in this city so that I could finally stop wondering if there were any stability left at all.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Shallow
The Gabe Dixon Band
First she said she liked my style of music
Said she really liked my car
Said, “Have you been to Hollywood
and do you know some movie stars?”
All the time she’s talking to me
She’s looking ‘round to see
If there is anybody more important here than me
I’m looking for a deeper well to sink in
A haven for my heart to dwell, I’m thinking
Love should be a river that floods into the sea
Shallow, so shallow, is this all there is?
Shallow, so shallow, there must be more than this
But I’m a walking contradiction
Point the finger back at me
I should probably read a book but I like watching MTV
Getting caught up in the feeding frenzy
I wonder will it ever stop?
But put it there in front of me I guarantee I’m gonna watch
I’m looking for a deeper well to sink in
A haven for my heart to dwell, I’m thinking
Isn’t it ironic? I feel like I could drown
Shallow, so shallow, is this all there is?
Shallow, so shallow, there must be more than this
I’m looking for a deeper well to sink in
A haven for my heart to dwell, I’m thinking
Love should be a river that floods into the sea.
Shallow, so shallow, is this all there is?
Shallow, so shallow, there must be more than this
Shallow, so shallow
First she said she liked my style of music
Said she really liked my car
Said, “Have you been to Hollywood
and do you know some movie stars?”
All the time she’s talking to me
She’s looking ‘round to see
If there is anybody more important here than me
I’m looking for a deeper well to sink in
A haven for my heart to dwell, I’m thinking
Love should be a river that floods into the sea
Shallow, so shallow, is this all there is?
Shallow, so shallow, there must be more than this
But I’m a walking contradiction
Point the finger back at me
I should probably read a book but I like watching MTV
Getting caught up in the feeding frenzy
I wonder will it ever stop?
But put it there in front of me I guarantee I’m gonna watch
I’m looking for a deeper well to sink in
A haven for my heart to dwell, I’m thinking
Isn’t it ironic? I feel like I could drown
Shallow, so shallow, is this all there is?
Shallow, so shallow, there must be more than this
I’m looking for a deeper well to sink in
A haven for my heart to dwell, I’m thinking
Love should be a river that floods into the sea.
Shallow, so shallow, is this all there is?
Shallow, so shallow, there must be more than this
Shallow, so shallow
So Fast It's Slow
I really miss baseball. It's that sport that you either love or you hate - you either get it or you don't. It took me a while to figure out, but I really do love it. I got it from my dad - he was never really a solid Mets or Yankees fan, just followed whichever team was doing better in a season, and that meant that we grew up begging him to change the radio from the monotonous baseball coverage to ANYTHING more interesting. Yet here I am, years later, wishing that I could just somehow get access to hearing the voices of those broadcasters, calling each play and filling in the time with small details and facts that we never really needed to know about the players.
Someone once told me that the people who complain that baseball is too slow aren't able to see how fast of a game it really is. Every pitch can change the game - it's so mental in some respects that the slightest error can throw off the concentration of the players and determine the winner. It can be so suspenseful - bases loaded, the 3-2 count, one more pitch to the game winning run... and then there's the way the players have to know so much about when to run, where to throw, and how to hit that will be best for the team. There are ways of sliding, running and catching that make all the difference - being a good player is being able to make that decision in a split second, maybe even before the ball has touched your glove.
There's the stardom of it too, the way it's classy and professional. I think that's one of the things I really love about the Yankees (also, coincidentally, one of the things that pisses people off about them). It's hard to get bloody and dirty in baseball, so when a player comes off the field with stains on his uniform, you know he's really been playing and not just standing around looking pretty. And then there's the excitement when your favorite player gets up to bat, negotiating his way around impossible pitches at impossible speeds and manages to launch one into a brilliant spot that has you out of your seat, watching it fly into a deep corner that could mean anything from a single to an in-the-park home run, depending on how good the fielder is.
There's one more thing, too, about the Yankees - if you're lucky enough to catch a good game at the stadium, one where Mariano Rivera comes in to save the win, you're lucky enough to feel that 9th inning magic that I've only ever felt at Yankee Stadium. Sometimes you can even feel it through the TV. It's just that things change then - you know, really know, that this is going to be it - they're going to pull it off, no matter how unlikely it seems. Then every batter is more exciting, and you just can't wait to see what he's going to come up with, because you know it's going to be big. It just doesn't get much better than that, as a spectator sport...
Someone once told me that the people who complain that baseball is too slow aren't able to see how fast of a game it really is. Every pitch can change the game - it's so mental in some respects that the slightest error can throw off the concentration of the players and determine the winner. It can be so suspenseful - bases loaded, the 3-2 count, one more pitch to the game winning run... and then there's the way the players have to know so much about when to run, where to throw, and how to hit that will be best for the team. There are ways of sliding, running and catching that make all the difference - being a good player is being able to make that decision in a split second, maybe even before the ball has touched your glove.
There's the stardom of it too, the way it's classy and professional. I think that's one of the things I really love about the Yankees (also, coincidentally, one of the things that pisses people off about them). It's hard to get bloody and dirty in baseball, so when a player comes off the field with stains on his uniform, you know he's really been playing and not just standing around looking pretty. And then there's the excitement when your favorite player gets up to bat, negotiating his way around impossible pitches at impossible speeds and manages to launch one into a brilliant spot that has you out of your seat, watching it fly into a deep corner that could mean anything from a single to an in-the-park home run, depending on how good the fielder is.
There's one more thing, too, about the Yankees - if you're lucky enough to catch a good game at the stadium, one where Mariano Rivera comes in to save the win, you're lucky enough to feel that 9th inning magic that I've only ever felt at Yankee Stadium. Sometimes you can even feel it through the TV. It's just that things change then - you know, really know, that this is going to be it - they're going to pull it off, no matter how unlikely it seems. Then every batter is more exciting, and you just can't wait to see what he's going to come up with, because you know it's going to be big. It just doesn't get much better than that, as a spectator sport...
Monday, April 7, 2008
Tired of Restless
I'm bummed because I'm supposed to be living life right now and I don't feel like I'm doing it at all. I hate that I'm a broken record, that I say the same things over and over and do the same things over and over. I just talk about justifying the one thing I have left in my life I have that makes me excited and hopeful. The rest of it's just routine. For some reason talking to you sometimes gets me like this, because you make me think so much and thinking tends to hurt. And sure, hurt is necessary for growth, but I hate that I have to think about this one thing over and over. Why can't I think about anything else? Why can't I care about anything else? Sometimes I get bored and look up my horoscope. Today's is: "You can see what you want right at the end of your reach. If you try just a little bit harder, it can be in your grasp at the perfect time."
But that's the way I've always been. I've always been trying just a little bit harder to have things be in my grasp at a later time, but sometimes that time never comes. Sometimes I get stuck here, in this head game I'm playing right now, doubting myself and wishing my head wasn't so complicated. I know I don't really mean this, but sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to think less about everything thats going on and just go with the flow. But the flow is always so dismal and repetitive - I noticed.
Fine, no. I have no idea what on earth I'm looking for out there. But I've seen all of this before - I know the way this society works, the way all these people around me have been brought up, how they all came here because it feels like a home away from home. Except what makes my home isn't that everyone is white, or that I come from the upper middle class, or that basically everyone is Catholic. This doesn't remind me of home, being here, because in some weird way being home is so much more like the real world - probably because my home is the home of the people I love and trust. I also seem to suck at making relationships of love and trust in less than oh, maybe a year or two, so I can't expect myself to love someplace new instantly.
But why can't I? So many kids got lucky - they found places that they love, places and people that they would never dream of leaving. I can't decide if it's my fault or not, not being able to find the passion and love of life that I've been missing. Why can't I have anything better to do with my time than think of ways to explain this feeling that's just become another part of daily life? I call home and hear my mom's voice, and I think of how happy she is in one place, with one person, and how her day is made brighter just by getting to tell me all about her surprise birthday weekend. I wish that I could be that, instead of having to read my horoscope and hear again how restless I was born to be. I'm tired of being restless - I guess that's poetic, in a strange sense. Restlessness is what defines me and breaks me, all at the same time. I wish I could tell you one reason why I would stay here - you don't know how much I wish I could name something. The fact that I don't find anywhere to throw an anchor is maybe the reason I need to keep on sailing, because nothing's caught me up and made me stop. The growing and changing I've done this year has been so heavily self-inflicted that I really need something else to do the pushing for me.
If I was able to scope out and search for relationships the way you do, maybe I'd have incentive to stay. But I guess I just stick with what I know, what's going on in my own head and heart, and I listen to that before anything else. I don't see challenges so much in people as in other things, though I know that people are what make anything worth it. I can't get the notion out of my head that I'm still failing at getting close to people, and that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe that's why I can't take such a small atmosphere, because it bugs me when everyone knows everyone else's business, good or bad.
And once again, I need to get back to work, where the world makes sense. God, I wish it didn't work like that. Maybe it works the other way in some people's heads - what happens out in the world makes more sense than what happens in their heads in a classroom? What would that be like?
But that's the way I've always been. I've always been trying just a little bit harder to have things be in my grasp at a later time, but sometimes that time never comes. Sometimes I get stuck here, in this head game I'm playing right now, doubting myself and wishing my head wasn't so complicated. I know I don't really mean this, but sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to think less about everything thats going on and just go with the flow. But the flow is always so dismal and repetitive - I noticed.
Fine, no. I have no idea what on earth I'm looking for out there. But I've seen all of this before - I know the way this society works, the way all these people around me have been brought up, how they all came here because it feels like a home away from home. Except what makes my home isn't that everyone is white, or that I come from the upper middle class, or that basically everyone is Catholic. This doesn't remind me of home, being here, because in some weird way being home is so much more like the real world - probably because my home is the home of the people I love and trust. I also seem to suck at making relationships of love and trust in less than oh, maybe a year or two, so I can't expect myself to love someplace new instantly.
But why can't I? So many kids got lucky - they found places that they love, places and people that they would never dream of leaving. I can't decide if it's my fault or not, not being able to find the passion and love of life that I've been missing. Why can't I have anything better to do with my time than think of ways to explain this feeling that's just become another part of daily life? I call home and hear my mom's voice, and I think of how happy she is in one place, with one person, and how her day is made brighter just by getting to tell me all about her surprise birthday weekend. I wish that I could be that, instead of having to read my horoscope and hear again how restless I was born to be. I'm tired of being restless - I guess that's poetic, in a strange sense. Restlessness is what defines me and breaks me, all at the same time. I wish I could tell you one reason why I would stay here - you don't know how much I wish I could name something. The fact that I don't find anywhere to throw an anchor is maybe the reason I need to keep on sailing, because nothing's caught me up and made me stop. The growing and changing I've done this year has been so heavily self-inflicted that I really need something else to do the pushing for me.
If I was able to scope out and search for relationships the way you do, maybe I'd have incentive to stay. But I guess I just stick with what I know, what's going on in my own head and heart, and I listen to that before anything else. I don't see challenges so much in people as in other things, though I know that people are what make anything worth it. I can't get the notion out of my head that I'm still failing at getting close to people, and that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe that's why I can't take such a small atmosphere, because it bugs me when everyone knows everyone else's business, good or bad.
And once again, I need to get back to work, where the world makes sense. God, I wish it didn't work like that. Maybe it works the other way in some people's heads - what happens out in the world makes more sense than what happens in their heads in a classroom? What would that be like?
Sunday, April 6, 2008
System Update
For some reason, I feel more whole lately. I mean, I know there's so much still missing, but it's finally starting to make sense in some way. It seems less like insanity and more like honesty. I'm sure this feeling has a lot to do with the fact that I survived and learned this year, that it's not over yet but I've made it through the bulk. I know that I keep writing that over and over again, but it's the truth about the way I feel. It's funny, how we don't feel so much like freshmen anymore, that we've adapted and become accustomed to these lives. We've all lost the uneasiness, the fear, the need to do as much as possible in a desperate search for friends and accredations. I know I'm asking to start all over again, but I won't be a freshman anymore. It's funny how you can learn so much without realizing you ever did - it's like one day I wake up and a year's gone by, and though I was there the whole time, living it, I never really got to see the results of all of it until now.
I still can't put my finger on all of it - it might be another month before I can put into words what I've put into the filing cabinet in my head, or what got hung up on the walls in my head. The good thing is that here it is, all written down - months and months of frustration and other emotions that don't have single words to define them. I always wondered how some languages could have languages that didn't translate over - how lucky could someone else be to have the word to describe something that this English can't? It's funny that I can still feel like myself, but I know I'm different. I know that my family will know I'm different, and you probably would notice it too, but I never noticed until now. It's like I've made it out of the storm, and finally the weather's clearing up and I can breathe and smile and see that I survived. Not like I've been tortured for months on end, but it's not really been a short road, I can say that much. I don't know what's different, but something is. I'll figure it out at some point...
I still can't put my finger on all of it - it might be another month before I can put into words what I've put into the filing cabinet in my head, or what got hung up on the walls in my head. The good thing is that here it is, all written down - months and months of frustration and other emotions that don't have single words to define them. I always wondered how some languages could have languages that didn't translate over - how lucky could someone else be to have the word to describe something that this English can't? It's funny that I can still feel like myself, but I know I'm different. I know that my family will know I'm different, and you probably would notice it too, but I never noticed until now. It's like I've made it out of the storm, and finally the weather's clearing up and I can breathe and smile and see that I survived. Not like I've been tortured for months on end, but it's not really been a short road, I can say that much. I don't know what's different, but something is. I'll figure it out at some point...
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Minutes to Monday
So now I'm scared, because I did a really stupid thing. I never sent the colleges I applied to my college transcripts. Of course, I found this out at 4:30 yesterday, when I got an email saying it was missing from an application, and by the time I realized what I never did, the Registrar's Office had closed for the weekend. Now I'm sitting counting the minutes to Monday, wondering if this is going to cost me everything. At least it wasn't part of the application I had to write? Maybe it's OK, because technically the sending of the transcripts is out of my hands, but I already got one stiff email telling me that I screwed up.
But there's nothing I can do about it for now, I guess. It's kind of like an ultimate test of calmness at the moment - it's one of the worst possible things I could be thinking about now, but I need to accept that it's going to be fine (except I'm not really sure.) Change of subject? My nails are back to full color glory - a shiny plum purple topped with a layer of iridescent glitter. It sounds absolutely awful, but I'm pretty much a huge fan. It's also courtesy of Jordan - she's got bright orange with glitter, and Gina has robin's egg blue with glitter. It's siblings' weekend here, and since Jordan's sister is kind of emo and quiet, we took it upon ourselves to act like idiots. Plus I was exhausted last night from two days of cramming, so I was reminded once again of why I need sleep (long story short, I think Jordan's sister thinks I'm psychotic and that I have problems controlling my volume).
For some reason I feel less conflicted inside, though - maybe it's because the applications are in (mostly-ugh), or because there's 34 days left here for me, or because I can finally be pretty honest with Gina and it's definitely what I need. It's also harder to write these blogs - granted, I haven't had a spare moment since Wednesday, really - but I find that I'm just focusing on what needs to be done instead of all the other things in my head. I'm starting to realize that I may actually be cut out for this medicine thing, since people are starting to face the difficulties of all the work and it only makes me more energized about it. I've always worried about what kind of a life I'm heading for, because at some point my career will be my life, and I have tons of things that I want to do that will most probably conflict with it. I'm caught between wanting the freedom to move around and having the opportunity to put myself to use in a way that will push me every day. I know it's weird for me to be thinking about my life ten years from now, but it's something that I need to take seriously since there's a pretty well-mapped schedule for me already. If I can't handle the constrictions placed upon me here, can I handle following the path to a career that will take over my life?
I think I could, because I could find the exceptions to the rules and wouldn't mind it if it was really what I wanted to do. It hasn't scared me away yet, right?
It's also weird to be on the other end of siblings' weekend. It makes me feel old, since I always used to be the one visiting. It makes me feel more independent than ever, in a way, since college life used to seem so foreign to me. Now it's just life, right?
But there's nothing I can do about it for now, I guess. It's kind of like an ultimate test of calmness at the moment - it's one of the worst possible things I could be thinking about now, but I need to accept that it's going to be fine (except I'm not really sure.) Change of subject? My nails are back to full color glory - a shiny plum purple topped with a layer of iridescent glitter. It sounds absolutely awful, but I'm pretty much a huge fan. It's also courtesy of Jordan - she's got bright orange with glitter, and Gina has robin's egg blue with glitter. It's siblings' weekend here, and since Jordan's sister is kind of emo and quiet, we took it upon ourselves to act like idiots. Plus I was exhausted last night from two days of cramming, so I was reminded once again of why I need sleep (long story short, I think Jordan's sister thinks I'm psychotic and that I have problems controlling my volume).
For some reason I feel less conflicted inside, though - maybe it's because the applications are in (mostly-ugh), or because there's 34 days left here for me, or because I can finally be pretty honest with Gina and it's definitely what I need. It's also harder to write these blogs - granted, I haven't had a spare moment since Wednesday, really - but I find that I'm just focusing on what needs to be done instead of all the other things in my head. I'm starting to realize that I may actually be cut out for this medicine thing, since people are starting to face the difficulties of all the work and it only makes me more energized about it. I've always worried about what kind of a life I'm heading for, because at some point my career will be my life, and I have tons of things that I want to do that will most probably conflict with it. I'm caught between wanting the freedom to move around and having the opportunity to put myself to use in a way that will push me every day. I know it's weird for me to be thinking about my life ten years from now, but it's something that I need to take seriously since there's a pretty well-mapped schedule for me already. If I can't handle the constrictions placed upon me here, can I handle following the path to a career that will take over my life?
I think I could, because I could find the exceptions to the rules and wouldn't mind it if it was really what I wanted to do. It hasn't scared me away yet, right?
It's also weird to be on the other end of siblings' weekend. It makes me feel old, since I always used to be the one visiting. It makes me feel more independent than ever, in a way, since college life used to seem so foreign to me. Now it's just life, right?
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Define...?
Great, now I'm thinking and I have so much studying to do but I need to get something out of my head before I make room for more. Now my mind runs in circles a thousand times a minute, not around anything in particular. Well, actually, about an hour from now it'll slow down and land on something, but I have no idea what that will be. Usually it lands on something I'd been avoiding thinking about, so I'll be a whole lot of fun in about an hour when I head to some chemistry review.
I don't really know about the definition of happy anymore. Maybe I've gotten used to not expecting it, and even if I'm laughing I don't consider myself happy anymore. It's hard because I know Jordan like the back of my hand, but I'm already so much closer to Gina because she and I feel the same under the surface, that we're looking for a different world than this one. I can work all day with Jordan, making up stupid joked and laughing about things that really aren't that funny to anyone who's gotten more than five hours of sleep or has a different major, but I miss some of myself until I go work out with Gina at night. Then we don't even have to talk, but it just feels better because we're sharing the thoughts that we need the most, the hopeful and adventurous and ambitious ones. There's only so much I can do to keep myself busy, because I know that's what I'm doing and it becomes similar to a lucid dream - sure, you're dreaming, but what's the point if you know you're doing it?
I think my standards of happiness need to change, because I'm holding them so high that they seem unattainable. And that's probably the way they should be, so that you know it's the real deal if you ever have it, but I know that if I get shot down some more from doing what I want and need, I'm going to be forced to change my standards. That's probably what I'm scared of the most, doing that. People I know have criticized me for having ridiculously high standards for everything, but that's the way I need it.
I don't really know about the definition of happy anymore. Maybe I've gotten used to not expecting it, and even if I'm laughing I don't consider myself happy anymore. It's hard because I know Jordan like the back of my hand, but I'm already so much closer to Gina because she and I feel the same under the surface, that we're looking for a different world than this one. I can work all day with Jordan, making up stupid joked and laughing about things that really aren't that funny to anyone who's gotten more than five hours of sleep or has a different major, but I miss some of myself until I go work out with Gina at night. Then we don't even have to talk, but it just feels better because we're sharing the thoughts that we need the most, the hopeful and adventurous and ambitious ones. There's only so much I can do to keep myself busy, because I know that's what I'm doing and it becomes similar to a lucid dream - sure, you're dreaming, but what's the point if you know you're doing it?
I think my standards of happiness need to change, because I'm holding them so high that they seem unattainable. And that's probably the way they should be, so that you know it's the real deal if you ever have it, but I know that if I get shot down some more from doing what I want and need, I'm going to be forced to change my standards. That's probably what I'm scared of the most, doing that. People I know have criticized me for having ridiculously high standards for everything, but that's the way I need it.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Aches and Pains
My body's mad at me lately for working out so much. I've been doing a lot of running, which is very good for my mental health, but again I'm faced with the pain of getting in shape. It reminds me of preseason for field hockey - well, it'd be similar if you mulitiplied this by a thousand, so that every muscle felt it. But my ankle's acting up again, like it does whenever I ask it to help me out, and my feet are getting really beaten up from new sneakers and treadmills and also doing karate on carpet.
But as much as I feel worn out, it's that feeling where you really want to keep going to see how strong you can get. I'm not so sure about my ankle- I may just be wearing out the muscles that managed to heal (though not so well, apparently) after I tore it apart a few years ago. But everything else has good pain - Jordan made the good point that soreness means you're getting stronger. How could that turn into a rhetorical statement, I wonder? I think you need to feel the effects of what you're doing in order to learn from them - if you don't acknowledge any of it, it may as well never have happened. Also, it's a sign that pain is often worth it, in all senses of the word - hurting from emotional or physical pain is what gets us stronger.
I'm also finding that I'm really excited to be part of a team again with this football thing. Granted, it's kind of stupid to make girls play football against each other, but I miss having a field and teammates to work with. It's different with riding, of course, and even though that's a team, each member isn't so heavily dependent on everyone else.
Lastly - in picking classes for next semester here, I'm finding that I'm afraid that I'll actually have to follow through on all of these classes. It looks like I'll most likely be taking calculus at 8 am 4 days a week, on top of bio and chem. I'd basically be living for an art class, but even then the art may not fit into my schedule and I'll have to take something else. That something else could be jazz history, which would be great, but I'm so scared that all of this thinking that I've done this past year will wear off if it doesn't amount to anything, to something new in 5 months. What happens if I'm still in the same place? I know it'll work out OK, but I'm also aware that I've been moving in a pretty specific direction in my head. I could be in the same place I am now next semester. Then what? I don't even want to think about it.
But as much as I feel worn out, it's that feeling where you really want to keep going to see how strong you can get. I'm not so sure about my ankle- I may just be wearing out the muscles that managed to heal (though not so well, apparently) after I tore it apart a few years ago. But everything else has good pain - Jordan made the good point that soreness means you're getting stronger. How could that turn into a rhetorical statement, I wonder? I think you need to feel the effects of what you're doing in order to learn from them - if you don't acknowledge any of it, it may as well never have happened. Also, it's a sign that pain is often worth it, in all senses of the word - hurting from emotional or physical pain is what gets us stronger.
I'm also finding that I'm really excited to be part of a team again with this football thing. Granted, it's kind of stupid to make girls play football against each other, but I miss having a field and teammates to work with. It's different with riding, of course, and even though that's a team, each member isn't so heavily dependent on everyone else.
Lastly - in picking classes for next semester here, I'm finding that I'm afraid that I'll actually have to follow through on all of these classes. It looks like I'll most likely be taking calculus at 8 am 4 days a week, on top of bio and chem. I'd basically be living for an art class, but even then the art may not fit into my schedule and I'll have to take something else. That something else could be jazz history, which would be great, but I'm so scared that all of this thinking that I've done this past year will wear off if it doesn't amount to anything, to something new in 5 months. What happens if I'm still in the same place? I know it'll work out OK, but I'm also aware that I've been moving in a pretty specific direction in my head. I could be in the same place I am now next semester. Then what? I don't even want to think about it.
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