Not Distractions, After All?

I really should go to bed, because I need to get up in 7 hours and sleep is a seriously important commodity these days, but I've been thinking and I need to write it down. I've aways been skeptic about enjoying this whole working around the clock thing, because it can be a cover-up of things I'd rather not address. But does it have to be?

I know I like to always have something to do, because if I'm bored, I start to self-destruct. No, not in a major mental or physical way, but my mood definitely starts to head downwards if I'm left wih just my thoughts to deal with for a little while. So why is it all bad to avoid this, huh? Maybe I like to be productive, and maybe it keeps me in a good mood just because I don't have to deal with myself. Is there too much wrong with that? I'm not afraid to address things that I'd rather not deal with, but do I have to deal with them all the time? You know what makes me feel better? Doing something good, something productive to help myself or others. Well, mostly this summer it's just to help myself, but that in itself is a form of therapy. Whether I'm earning money for myself, or helping someone find a jacket that will keep them comfortable in Alaska, or taking in as many surgeries and learning as I can, or helping a surgeon operate, this is good for me. Doing something, instead of sitting on the sidelines, wondering why I'm on the sidelines.

That's what I do when I'm out of the game, so while most people would consider me an overachiever or a workaholic, this is just me playing the game. This is the game I want to play, and while a lot of other people have the sense to have less exhausting interests, this one suits me. And when this summer's over, when I go back to school, that's a whole new playing field that keeps me entertained (even when I might complain about the work, but I try not to). Maybe I'm just too restless to appreciate relaxation, but it's harder for me to stand still. I of course need to work on that, but not now, not when I have no motivation to stay still.

So call me whatever you like, but sleep-deprived and overworked is my game :-)

ER RM. 4

There was a trauma today, a really big one, and it happened to be the first I've ever seen. It's absolutely unmatchable as an experience - I almost want to say that everyone in the world should witness one at some point in their lives, just because there's so much to gain from it. I won't lie and say that I was reflecting on the qualities of human life while 20 people worked to salvage this car accident victim, because I was completely floored as a surgical nerd and more interested in the techniques and tools the surgeons were using. But here I am, seven hours later, just starting to go back and replay what actually happened.

So this wasn't an easy one for anyone, and though the surgeons can power through like machines because it's their job and it's what they do, no one was unaffected. Car into telephone pole, car catches fire, driver in ER with 4th degree burns on most of both legs. And yeah, 4th comes after 3rd degree, and you don't really want to know the details. Point being, however, that what happens in the ER is what most people don't know about and don't want to know about. They see what goes in, they see what comes out. It's not like a big secret, because a show like Grey's surprisingly does an OK job of capturing the events.

But not, because it all seems so much easier than it is. Even in the little ways - I thought I was all set because I was able to keep myself distanced from the case, but I realize now that all those years of training and school are the only thing that can allow a surgeon to walk the line between too much compassion and too little. I was surprised my first week at the hospital to see an experienced surgeon visibly upset about the loss of a patient, but now I have no idea how I could expect otherwise.

I know this is a big rant about what I learned in surgeon world today, but you know it has a heavy meaning. This is what I'm giving my life to, and after being so impressed today, I understand why it will be well over a decade before I can do what they do. I'm finally getting a grasp on what this all really means, that I can have this if I really believe that it's worth giving my life to. At least I haven't been scared out yet...