Backwards

I'm worried. It's not because of me, or because of how the world looks, or how I see myself fitting into the world as it looks. Whatever, I'll deal with that. I'm worried because of how I feel - I'm starting to get annoyed at my mom for being sick. I hate admitting to this, because it makes me seem like one of those selfish 10-year-olds who can't handle when their parents don't pay attention to them because of more important things. I really hope I'm not like those kids, but maybe I am and have to own up to it.

It's not the cancer, but maybe that started all of it. Maybe I've gotten used to her never being quite right in her health, as she hasn't been for the past two years, but I think it's more recent because she's gotten a bad infection and now has a bruise in an inconvenient place because of a fall. Of course none of it is her fault, but she's starting to seem less and less motivated to ignore it and keep going with daily life. I think I'm just used to who she was for 16 years, the woman who never got sick and never had time to slow down for anything. And true, I cherish the fact that I know her as a person more than ever and she is just as great as ever in that sense, but there's still this new lingering sense of frustration.

Maybe it's just because I've spent too much time around my parents recently and they're getting under my skin the way they always eventually do, only this time I feel guilty getting annoyed at them because my mom is sick and can't help it. I don't know. Maybe I'm mad at whoever keeps on cursing her with all of these health problems, because she is the last person I know who deserves them. I do know, however, that part of what makes me mad is that she has no choice but to pay attention to these health issues, even though she used to be the type of person that would pop a few advil and move on.

Anyway, maybe it's just my moment to feel like a selfish child. I'm trying my best to ignore it, because I don't know what good can come of this.

On to better subjects - New Year's Resolutions. I rarely make them, just because I'm realistic about how unlikely it is that I'm going to follow through on some promise I make to myself just for the sake of doing so. But this time I am going to try to follow through, and not because it's something like, "go to the gym more often." In fact, that probably would be my resolution, if not for the fact that at school I go to the gym 5 or 6 times a week and therefore would have little room for improvement before veering off into the territory of obsession. No, my resolution this year is to daydream more. I realized that daydreaming used to be a big part of who I was, when I was younger - it was partly because I read so much and had so much imagining to do that I couldn't help but to take time out of reality to be somewhere else. It's really a good use of my time, because it's hard for me to break out of the habit of taking myself seriously, so I need to get back into this daydreaming thing. It also can kind of be a motivator: giving yourself the chance to imagine your world makes you want to see it in reality.

I'm also going to try to read Jane Austen's novels. Allow me to be frank, though, and say that my reason for doing this is mostly spurned from my newfound love of Pride & Prejudice. Likewise, in all fairness, what I really loved about the movie was the dialogue, so well written with fantastic vocabulary, timing and wit. Sounds like my kind of a conversation.

Perhaps this all points me into a trend of being more childish. OK, sounds good. I promise I'll be home in time for dinner.