Good Morning, Good Night

Don't you just love days when you really feel like yourself? When your life actually seems familiar, instead of something you wake up to every morning and do without thinking? For me, it usually comes after a really stressful time, like this week, when I had no idea what I was doing and where I was going. It usually takes a lot to make me feel like a failure, but this was one of those weeks. And now, I'm finally back to a state of being that I actually recognize. I'm back to listening to my own music, to being caught up in one song that I want to hear over and over because it triggers something within me that I haven't felt for a while. It's not something in particular - I just look around me now and feel safe again.

I know in a minute I'll be reminded of all the things that usually keep me from feeling this safe and satisfied, and I'll slip away from myself once again. But now, it feels good.

I went to NYU Med school to meet with a friend of my dad's, which made me unexpectedly sullen for the rest of the day. I've been thinking so much lately about how my dad says that I could be a lawyer in my sleep because of the way I think. Why don't I just do that, I ask myself? I'm almost afraid that one day I'll just give in and take the LSAT and go be a good lawyer. But then I go into a hospital, like I did yesterday. It's silly but I almost felt the way I do in a barn, as if I could stay there forever, only instead of hay and horses there were all the patients and charts and brave, subtle people. I think it scared me yesterday, to have to leave and not go back for a long time. It scares me that I have so much left to do before I can even get close to that being my life.

Then again, it scares me that I only recognize myself once every couple of weeks. I've been scared by worse, though, so all I'll do is enjoy it while it lasts.