Agreed, because even when I think everything should fall into place, I still feel empty inside. I just take it out on the world by throwing myself into things I can control, like how well I do in school, because that to me is at least a productive use of my time. And then I get used to running my life that way and it makes me feel better about the emptiness because at least this one thing can keep me from wasting the present time. I don't feel like I'm wasting, but I do feel like I'm waiting.
All the classes and papers and tests in the world can't get rid of the fact that I'm still waiting, and I have no idea what I'm waiting for. I just have this faith that something is going to happen, because it always does, so even though I go out and grab whatever I want that has to do with education and my future, I'm a couch potato when it comes to personal things. Just me and my couch, we're cool. Except my bag of chips is empty and this show got old a while ago, so then I fall asleep on the couch and I'm fine until someone comes to wake me up.
The funny thing is that I'd really just rather sleep, so what I'm woken up for really has to be worth it. Forget all the people poking me trying to get me to involve myself with them, because if it's not as good as my dreams I won't bother with the time. How's this for a metaphor? I won't be woken up unless it's worth it. Sounds egotistic, but then maybe I am. In the meantime I'll take care of myself and know myself and then there's no mystery when it comes time to take care of and know someone else. It doesn't really make sense, but to me it does, which will last maybe a day and then I'll come back and want to rewrite all of this. And so it goes.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment