Oh, Hi Again

I got a solitary run in just after Gina left, and I realized that it's been a while since I felt this way. It's the version of me that I recognize the most from home. It's not bad that I haven't recognized it for a while, but it's nice to know it's back at the right time. I've been worried lately about making this decision to leave when I'm just starting to get really close with new people, but I'm reminded now of how I need to. I guess it isn't as much about other people as it is about me, now - I've known myself for some time, and now it's time that I put that knowledge to use. The reality is setting in: I will really have to start over, and deal with missing even more people now than I did last time, but it's still what I need and what's best for me.

That being said, I got to be alone for the first time in a while on this run. I know a lot of people don't like to be alone, and it's certainly can be bad for me at times, but it's so much easier to listen to myself when there's no one around. Even if I'm with someone but not talking, there's a way that my thinking changes - I'm not saying it's bad, it's just how it works. I'm not saying I lie to myself when I'm with other people, but I don't listen so hard to myself because there isn't really a need to.

I didn't pick up anything urgent off the brainwaves, but I did notice these things on my run that I didn't realize when I ran it with friends for the past few days. The first time we ran it, there was a big puddle on a dirt road that gave the most beautiful reflection of a yellow house - I always wanted to take a picture of it because it was so pretty. I was looking for that reflection today but realized that the puddle had shrank enough to not reflect the way it used to. I also saw the houses on the streets for the first time, even though I've been on that road four or five times before. The neighborhood was a lot like my old one. That got me thinking about how different my life would be if we had never moved across town - I don't think I'd would be better or worse, but I'd certainly be different.

I'm going to look back on this year and not have any regrets, which is satisfying in itself. I'll think about how I'd be different if I was coming back, or if I had never come to HC at all. But for now, thinking can slow down, because summer is waiting.