System Update

For some reason, I feel more whole lately. I mean, I know there's so much still missing, but it's finally starting to make sense in some way. It seems less like insanity and more like honesty. I'm sure this feeling has a lot to do with the fact that I survived and learned this year, that it's not over yet but I've made it through the bulk. I know that I keep writing that over and over again, but it's the truth about the way I feel. It's funny, how we don't feel so much like freshmen anymore, that we've adapted and become accustomed to these lives. We've all lost the uneasiness, the fear, the need to do as much as possible in a desperate search for friends and accredations. I know I'm asking to start all over again, but I won't be a freshman anymore. It's funny how you can learn so much without realizing you ever did - it's like one day I wake up and a year's gone by, and though I was there the whole time, living it, I never really got to see the results of all of it until now.

I still can't put my finger on all of it - it might be another month before I can put into words what I've put into the filing cabinet in my head, or what got hung up on the walls in my head. The good thing is that here it is, all written down - months and months of frustration and other emotions that don't have single words to define them. I always wondered how some languages could have languages that didn't translate over - how lucky could someone else be to have the word to describe something that this English can't? It's funny that I can still feel like myself, but I know I'm different. I know that my family will know I'm different, and you probably would notice it too, but I never noticed until now. It's like I've made it out of the storm, and finally the weather's clearing up and I can breathe and smile and see that I survived. Not like I've been tortured for months on end, but it's not really been a short road, I can say that much. I don't know what's different, but something is. I'll figure it out at some point...