So This Is What That Feels Like

I feel just about right for the first time in I don't know how long. Finally all the stuff going on in my head coincides with, well, me. I told Gina and Jordan today that I got into NYU (:-D) and even though that was sad, because it makes the fact that I'm leaving more real, it was exciting for the same reason. The timing is quite right and stuff just makes sense. Poetic, I know, but that's just what it's like.

I really do feel that this year was worth a lot to me, and I'm wouldn't say I needed it, but it certainly has made a difference. I'll still miss things about HC, even if I made it seem like I wouldn't miss anything at times. It's impossible to live somewhere for 8 months and not get attached to certain things. I'm just happy because I was capable of attaching at all, if that makes any sense. I'm glad, in a strange way, that I'm going to miss Jordan and Gina as much as I am, because it tells me that they really are important to me.

At the same time, though, I need to keep going and it never felt more right. I feel alone again, but not in a bad way at all - excited for a new adventure, one that I have to take on myself. That is, after all, what I asked for - a new challenge and way of life. I have all of these new things to deal with, like the fact that I need to get a rush decision from Brown so that I can reply to NYU by the May 14 deadline (I kind of wanted to find all this out at home, but it's all the same news regardless of where I am). It's actually all real now, instead of just this liquified mess moving around in my head and crowding my brain in my skull. I can finally put a finger on it and define it. It's funny, because I realized that if someone were to ask me now why I'm transferring, I wouldn't be able to give them a straight answer. We all know all too well that I don't have a straight answer, I just have paragraphs and paragraphs of mush that somehow came to an answer. But I know it's what I need, and I've known that for a while, and it's just crazy to be able to have what I want and need at once. I never got to have this feeling last year, the one where I get a real choice on my future. I mean of course I could have chosen not to come to HC, or to go to the one other school I applied to, but I know in my heart that I was never as excited for HC as I am right now for what's in store. Getting into Brown would just be the icing on the cake, that's all I can say.

Lastly:
Dear God,
I'm sorry I didn't make it to church yesterday to thank you for it all. I know I say it all the time, but I really would have meant it last night, just as much as I mean it now. I could justify not going to church because I was studying and trying to use the gifts you gave me in the best way possible, but the truth is that I should have planned better. So, even though this isn't nearly the same thing, I want to put it in writing that I'm sorry and of all times, I should have been there for you last night. I could try to make you a deal or something, but the only way I can live up to it is to thank you by living instead of by saying. Thanks for giving me the chance to.

That's all. :-)