Define...?

Great, now I'm thinking and I have so much studying to do but I need to get something out of my head before I make room for more. Now my mind runs in circles a thousand times a minute, not around anything in particular. Well, actually, about an hour from now it'll slow down and land on something, but I have no idea what that will be. Usually it lands on something I'd been avoiding thinking about, so I'll be a whole lot of fun in about an hour when I head to some chemistry review.

I don't really know about the definition of happy anymore. Maybe I've gotten used to not expecting it, and even if I'm laughing I don't consider myself happy anymore. It's hard because I know Jordan like the back of my hand, but I'm already so much closer to Gina because she and I feel the same under the surface, that we're looking for a different world than this one. I can work all day with Jordan, making up stupid joked and laughing about things that really aren't that funny to anyone who's gotten more than five hours of sleep or has a different major, but I miss some of myself until I go work out with Gina at night. Then we don't even have to talk, but it just feels better because we're sharing the thoughts that we need the most, the hopeful and adventurous and ambitious ones. There's only so much I can do to keep myself busy, because I know that's what I'm doing and it becomes similar to a lucid dream - sure, you're dreaming, but what's the point if you know you're doing it?

I think my standards of happiness need to change, because I'm holding them so high that they seem unattainable. And that's probably the way they should be, so that you know it's the real deal if you ever have it, but I know that if I get shot down some more from doing what I want and need, I'm going to be forced to change my standards. That's probably what I'm scared of the most, doing that. People I know have criticized me for having ridiculously high standards for everything, but that's the way I need it.