Quiet.

I should have known I was up to no good this morning when I was staring at the cream in my coffee, watching it swirl around before dissolving in. I should have known then that it was going to be one of these days, the coffee-staring mindless-driving days. As soon as I have errands to run, I seem to switch into this weird mode where nothing matters more than getting those things done.

Of course, many things matter more than the errands. It was on one of my last few trips that I finally found a song I was looking for on my CD's, since I couldn't remember which mix it was on, and once I found it I think I snapped out of whatever I was in. I had been wanting to listen to the song all day, so I needed to hit repeat a few times to get the point across. It made me realize that I was tired of being alone, which is a feeling I don't get often, so it was a good one to deal with behind the steering wheel. Not alone in the huge universal sense, just alone as in not with anyone else. I've been running errands and getting things done for myself for the past few days, which feels good and useful, but I kind of get sick of myself after three days. I suppose this is a big step for me, getting sick of myself, because I've got kind of an addiction to being on my own.

It just takes a lot to make me feel alone, that's all I'm trying to say. And spending time by myself has never really made me feel this way, but it is lately and it's kind of annoying me. But time by myself is what I need anyway, regardless of how it feels now, because it's part of me that I haven't gotten to see in a while. Finally my mind is quiet, which doesn't feel great but it feels... well... quiet. Even now, the music that's playing isn't really hitting me at all - I'll just go back to that one song that does seem to break through and I'll listen to it for a while.

Now, though, now... now I can draw, finally.