If I will...?

Tonight was one of those nights where I was so happy to have the group. You're completely right - without having last year be as fun and new as it was, I would be someone completely different. I think what my fear is is that at HC, it's much easier to live like last year never happened - there's no need for me to embrace the way we lived last year. I probably would still want to transfer away even if it never happened, but I don't think I'd know why for sure and I'd certainly not take it the way I have. It's probably unbelievable that I could have taken this past year of school harder than I have, but knowing who I used to be, I don't doubt it. I think I never really understood the world before the group and everything happened - that's not to say that I really understand the world now, but at least I'm no longer convinced that everyone is against me. If you didn't know, that's one of the biggest reasons my parents will always like you, because they know how much I've changed for the better since meeting you. The same goes for everyone else - my parents are well aware of my rather shakeable emotions lately and are just happy to see me come home, sleep soundly and wake up excited to go see Lauren.

As for tonight, it was like the old days of the group. We were certainly missing plenty of people, but our couch was having a grand old time fighting over foot rests and sharing intra-couch conversations. The situation was different, because it was me, Sam, Lauren and Nate on the sofa while everyone else (Linds, Jerm, and a bunch of Lauren and Nate's senior friends) was actually watching the basketball. Actually I'm pretty sure Nate was trying to watch it too, but like that was going to happen with us on the couch. We were having too much fun harassing him, what can I say.

It's strange that we come home and it's still like this, because we all now have different lives in different directions. I think you're lucky in that you found such a solid family at school so quickly, because a lot of people don't adapt so quickly. I don't want to stay on Lauren's couch forever, that's not what I'm saying, but I realize now that it's going to take me a while to learn how to find friendships that can even compete with what happened in the group. I've also been wary of doing it, knowing that making strong relationships was not going to help my situation with leaving next year. I've been dreading telling Jordan that I'm transferring, and made a silent promise to her that I would tell her very soon after Easter. Teagan told me, "Hey, it's not hard, and she'll understand," but I just imagine what it would be like if Jordan were Lauren and I had to tell her I was leaving our school. I really will miss Jordan if I do end up leaving, which is a good thing because it shows that she's a true friend, but it makes it so much harder to tell her the truth, that she doesn't know this whole side of me that I haven't been able to express to her. She wouldn't understand certain parts of me, because I've never been able to be that person at HC, and it makes me feel worse to know that our friendship can only be so deep when I'm keeping so much of myself from her. And it's not like I'm ditching her totally, because she has plentyy of other friends, but our lives at school would also be dramatically different if we didn't have one another.

We don't really know what happens for what reason, but they all have some reason in the end. We don't know where we're going or where we'll end up - I guess maybe someday we'll look back on our senior year and think, "I wonder what happened to everyone?" It's the beauty of life, though - it doesn't end up the way we want it to, but it always ends up the way it should. It makes us cry, it makes us overjoyed, it makes us everything we never knew we were. There's often not much use in looking back and wondering about how it could have been different, but I'm glad that I'm proud of my past as well. I can now look back on high school and smile, and one day I think maybe I'll look back on HC and smile, thinking about how Jordan made it more than bearable and how much of a difference she made in my freshman year. She and I were never the "pour your heart out" type friends - that's more you, Laura and Lauren for me - but I will never again underestimate the power of a laugh.

It's funny that I meant to write about the group's Friday night, but wound up wondering about how much life would be different without Jordan. I guess it takes your thoughts one step further - life would definetly be different without all the old friends in my life (though even "old" is only a couple years), but also without the new ones. Life changes every day - we think we're headed in one direction until we wake up a week later, miles off the track but not really all that surprised. I only wish that we could follow this like an objective third party, like a movie. I'm pretty sure we need to get on Jeremy to make a film about our senior year, because so many other people in the world were never half as lucky and as blessed as we were.