Less motivation and inspiration lately, but I feel like I'm forgetting something if I don't put something up here every few days. I should go to sleep, since I haven't been doing that much lately, but it's also because I don't really want to sleep anymore. Strange feeling, especially when you're tired from a long week. I kind of feel like I'm over all of it, but then I'm right back in the middle and caring again. And then I last about ten minutes in the present tense and all of a sudden I feel washed out and done again. And I keep writing about the same things, the same feelings, because they're all I really know anymore, and I'm just tired of writing the same thing over and over because I know how it'll all lay out.
Once again, I'm not at school for the weekend, but ironically, if I had a choice, I would be. I'm not a fan of going home anymore, since it's just exactly what I was looking to move away from when I went to school. I'm still not at a point in my life where home is endless and shameless comfort, because I hate that it's the only endless and shameless comfort I have. And it's hardly what it used to be, because we (my siblings and I) know we've grown in different directions and will never see home the same way again. It's not a sad thing, just a true thing. And I hate that I've grown away from it the least, because it just hits the point across my face that I'm still waiting.
But we're here for the birthday girl, and I'm not technically at home since I'm at the Cape, but it's the same thing. And everything just blurs together - what pushes me off the edge about my roommate are her monotonous and boring two hour phone conversations with a brick wall every night, but instead of having reprieve from that for a night, I end up hanging out with my brother, who is having an eerily similar phone conversation with his significant other... and again I'm irritated by constant texting, because I feel ignored, even though I'm not saying anything worth listening to, and I watch a movie by myself even though he's right there but miles away. It's kind of like the train left and I missed it, or wasn't aware it was leaving, or got on the train that wasn't really going anywhere, only to look out the window and see the right train pulling out of the station on the next track over.
That has to be the 45th metaphor I've written about this feeling. It's time for a new subject, but when when I'm only talking to myself, this is all that comes to mind. And so fine, go talk to someone else, go make a new friend, go join a new club, because me staying so still isn't doing a whole lot to help my situation. But this is my whole situation, regardless - everyone has built a new life, and this is what I built. I don't know if it's all my fault, or some of it is, but I'm responsible for it anyway.
This attitude is going downhill right before my eyes. I guess now would be the appropriate time to go to sleep. Is that when people usually sleep, when they're tired of being awake? I'm going to get up and run to the beach in the morning (or afternoon, depending on what time I wake up). I don't know what I expect to find there, but usually it doesn't dissapoint. Buenas noches (or buenas dias, as we say at this time)...
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