Take A Breather

I seem to be caught at this last essay, the one that should be easiest, "why do you want to transfer?" I've written more drafts of this essay than I've probably written for any essay before, which is pretty good proof that I can't seem to find the words I want. I've been thinking for weeks - every small lesson I learn provokes another essay, which is never quite right. Maybe I'll try it here, to see what I have to say for myself when colleges and my future aren't listening too closely.

I realized tonight that I'd be inclined to leave college entirely if not for the fact that I value my formal education at school just as much as I value my informal education outside of school. I couldn't deny myself the opportunity I have to study at college with the knowledge that it's an opportunity most people won't get. Also, I am aware of how much benefit I've already gotten from it, and I just plain like learning and would have no problem spending four years in school. In fact, with my career goals, it's going to be more like 10 years, and I'm OK with that.

But I wonder, what would I be doing if I wasn't here? I think I would leave the country, because I've lived here all my life and the world is so huge. Not to say that I know our country like the back of my hand, because I certainly don't, but I want to know what's beyond home. I think I would go someplace I was needed, maybe join Greenpeace or the Red Cross to see what I could do for the world. Yet somehow I know that I need to be at school too, because in the long run, I can do more for the world if I give myself to the education I'm capable of. I can go explore the world at any time, but it seems that I need to be at school now to learn about what it is that needs to be done for the world. It would also be a lie to say that this is my only reason for staying in school - frankly, though I love challenges and would enjoy facing the fear of heading out so boldly into the unknown, I worry about not being able to forgive myself if I gave up this opportunity.

Yet college is more than simple book studies - there's no reason why I can't learn just as much inside the classroom as outside. In fact, I already have - but what I've learned has pushed me to ask for change in my future, to be someone different than what I've always been. I don't know what I'd do if I wound up comitting to three more years here - I might be inclined to actually take up my proposal and leave school entirely. I don't know if I could do that to myself, though. What I'm searching for is a way to feel the whole world around me, instead of simply waking up in the morning looking out at a life that I've lived so repeatedly for so many years. I have certainly changed this past year, and it's driven me to need more change on the outside that will correspond with the change on the inside.

I'm over a year older than the last time I was writing college essays; I can legally vote and am excited to take on its responsibilities; I've developed a new obsession with writing, something I used to hate; and I've found clarity in my own confusion. It's time that I let myself be a part of the whole world, because that's all I want to be - I have worn out my own welcome in this isolated life, where test grades define people and extracurriculars are meant to look good for future employers. I fully respect the people I've come to know here, but I can no longer disrepect my own needs the way I have. I am ever grateful for the gifts I've been given, but I can't really understand them until I know how the rest of the world lives differently than I do, with dfferent gifts, desires and goals. I can't guarantee myself that I will find a new world if I am able to transfer, but the hope of learning of a new life is more than enough for me to have faith in the possibilies.

OK, so that's better. It's weird at parts and I should edit it, but no way am I touching it for a least a few hours. I've got to talk to Professor Z tomorrow to get her advice...