Ahhh you can't get me thinking like that and then expect me to just let it go! Now I'm just frustrated, because I have to doubt everything. I have to doubt my decision, my actions, my feelings, my beliefs, and it's never helpful in the least. I'm a pretty non-violent person, but in a matter of minutes I'm just so fed up that I could throw something. Although I did that once or twice and always felt guilty about it, so I won't.
What if I'm completely wrong about everything? What if I don't know what the hell I'm doing, even though for once I feel like I'm making my own decision in life by choosing something different? What does it all matter if what it comes down to is people like my roommate, who whines about getting a B on an Orgo test and is apparently obligated by unwritten law to call her father and report the news? OK that sentence doesn't really make sense, but to me it does. I feel like I could scream at the top of my lungs and no one would hear me - I haven't felt that way in a while and I'm not too excited to have it back.
I don't know why I get set off like this, but suddenly I just feel like getting in the car and driving out to California and finally see the green flash at sunset that I missed last time I was there because I was stupid and was looking away at the wrong split second. I don't know if you're aware, but right before the sun drops below the horizon, there's supposed to be a flash of green light. Well, I didn't know that, and so when I was watching it set at Half Moon Bay with my parents, I missed it. I was taking a picture of a man in business clothes who seemed completely alone - he got out of his car and was just standing at the edge of the dunes, looking out at the water. I still wonder what he was thinking about - maybe I want to know about him just as much as I want to see that green flash.
Somehow that's impertinent - I know it is but I'm not sure how. It's just been so long since I felt like I belonged somewhere, since when I'm home I feel like I'm on vacation from life and when I'm here I feel like I need to be somewhere else. I guess that's why all I can do to find some peace is to travel, because then I don't have to be anywhere at all. I just need so badly to stop with being so unsettled, and I can't do it. I can't lie to myself, I can't tell myself the truth, I can't let myself go at all, and I don't even know how much of that has to do with where I am. Maybe I could be somewhere else entirely and still feel the same way. I barely know what causes all of this, and maybe I'm just taking a shot in the dark with location. It's stupid that I feel like the only people I can trust anymore are my parents, because I know it is entirely untrue. But they don't ask me to be more than what I am, and they don't have to know about all of these frustrating thoughts that I'm barely dealing with. I've always been the same person to them, regardless of what I think or how I act, and I don't have to try at all.
God, when did I become such an emotional psycho? I miss the days when I used to know what bothered me and why, and have legitimate reasons. Now I keep it all quiet, which only makes it worse when I can't help but to break down in my head. And it has to be in my head, because there's nothing anyone can do about it but me. And I couldn't even have a conversation about all this frustraton becaue it seems that there's no actual point to any of it. I feel like that stupid business man, who could play all the right roles and still wind up at the ocean, looking out at it like everyone else. It's what everyone does - we all line up at the edge of the water at some point or another and just look at all the colors, the things that we say don't matter but which probably matter far more than what we say matters. Half Moon Bay is famous - people from all over the world have come to its shore just to stand there and look at the sky. I'm great at looking - I wish I could do that for the rest of my life. Sometimes I think I need to be an artist just to be able to hold onto any ounce of sanity I might have left.
I just don't really recognize this person anymore. I am myself, but I'm tired of it. Being me has never been easy, and I wish it could be at some point. And I know that sounds all whiny, but it just feels that way. I know its never easy for anyone, because we all make our own troubles to make life worse. I wish I could just crawl inside myself, where I'm safe, instead of walking day after day into something that doesn't matter. Why can't my name be synonymous with happiness? Maybe it is, or was, or has been, but right now it just kind of sucks. Sorry for all the whining, I think I'm done for now. But wait a minute, why do I have to stop whining? Why can't I sit here and just feel sorry for myself? I guess that would just make everything suck more, huh.
OK, that's all. Time to go back to flashcards.
I just wish I didn't have to write a novel and then click "Publish Post" and then act like it never happened.
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