I Wish It Was Just Hormones

Maybe this is what it's like being hormonal, having your emotions shoot from one end of the spectrum to the other without any warning. Like that completely inaccurate thing I said about emotions being on a meter - it's like someone stuck a magnet under the meter and now I'm being pulled and repelled from God knows where. I never really know what emotional state I'll find myself in, so I'm always kind of afraid to check. And then I check and see what I'm feeling and kick myself for opening this can of worms.

Like right now, what part of the emotion spectrum am I at right now? Well, you tell me. What is it when you're just trying to get some sleep and all you can think is, "God, I want to cry again"? And I don't really know why, even though I do. It's like all at once I get hit with all this doubt and frustration and confusion and wish such emotions didn't exist. I don't really feel like writing about it - I feel like going to sleep and waking up tomorrow in a different mood. And then I think, well, what if this is the truth? What if this is how I really feel about everything, just... defeated? Would a better mood then be a lie?

I make things to be more complicated than they are, I know that. I know I don't acknowledge my fears, hoping that they'll disappear if I ignore them. And I'm tired of making such a big damn deal about it all. I know that life will probably never be the way I want it - how long will it be before I accept that? Then again, do I have to accept that? Whatever happened to, "If you want something enough, you will find a way to achieve it"? It's just that sometimes life moves so slowly I want to stick a needle in my eye to make it more interesting, and then other times it's already passed me by before I manage to make a grab at it.

The only good thing about feeling all of this is that I'm feeling it, period. Otherwise I'm just lying to myself, telling myself I'm OK and not really knowing if it's true or not. What does that even mean, being OK? OK with what? By what standards? I don't even know. And then I get angry about having to write about all of this when I really want to write about something better, something more cheerful, something hopeful. But this is all that's on my mind. Great, really great. I feel like everything's my fault sometimes, that I've failed in so many ways. I'm on edge too much, sometimes near tears simply because I hear a good song. I can't stand to keep on thinking, "Why do I put myself through this?" because then I remember it's still all on me.

Some good news would be nice. Something to hold me up and push me forward would be nice. What's worse, maybe all that good stuff is around me and I don't even see it. Maybe I'll just go brush my teeth and enjoy how that feels, then take out my contacts and enjoy how that feels, and then lie down and rest my legs, sore from running, and enjoy how that feels. At least it's a start...