Thoughts

I think maybe I'm going to be homesick a little bit more this semester than last. It's not that I wish I was home, because there really isn't much there apart from, well, ultimate comfort and warmth, but it's more that I miss being at home somewhere. I'm not at home here, and even though I'm not uncomfortable, I guess I'm unsettled. I've been spending the past couple days realizing that I have little to none of the comforts that I've enjoyed for the past month. I don't mean having my own room, my own bathroom, a car, all of that - I mean being with people who really know me and who I really know. And I know that the only way to deal with that issue is to let people get to know me and try to get to know others, but let's face it - I've always kind of sucked at getting to know people. That's no reason to give up, but I'm caught between being myself and being someone else.

It's not like I don't like the person I am here, but it's just kind of unfulfilling. I'm just another freshman from Connecticut, another bio major, another FYPer (my least favorite label - what's wrong with liking school?), another Catholic... you get the point. And I know that I'm an individual, but my own differences are subtle here and don't really seem to be a part of me. I feel that in order to truly be myself, I need to acknowledge that I'm not so satisfied here. That's who I am right now, someone who's being selfish and asking for even more than the ridiculous amount they already have. I just don't want to feel like I've failed at my time here, but that's what I feel like sometimes. I don't know how to define myself other than by the dissatisfaction. I'm working on it, but I feel relieved in a way to understand this. Of course, with this knowledge, what do I do with it? Try to force myself to be satisfied, or accept the dissatisfaction and move on? I do believe that I could belong here, that I'm not such a bad match for this place, but I don't feel like matching at all.