Silence, Please

I almost had a heart attack five seconds ago when I was having trouble signing in. What does it mean that I've become dependent on writing these blogs? Well, whatever it means, I don't really care. If it's an addictive habit, so be it.

I realize that I haven't really felt at ease being home all this time. I've been concerned about what comes next, what I should be doing, how to take advantage of this time, etc. And looking back over this past month, it hasn't been what I planned it to be. I haven't been all that relaxed, I've followed habits I no longer depend on and no longer need and I haven't managed to spend enough time with the people I came home to be with. Yet simultaneously I've used this time well, relocating myself and remembering what I am blessed to have in myself and in others. I guess we always end up wasting time before we realize we're doing it, which is a pattern I hope to break free from more often. Here I am, in my last week, and I feel like I finally found a break. I'm scared about a lot of what's coming up, but I feel so reassured to see what I still have and will be able to carry with me. This is, after all, the beginning, where it all started. The past few months before this break haven't been awful, but they don't really hold a candle to what I'm capable of. There are aspects of this home life that I know I'm too stubborn to let go of, and since they mean the most to me right now, I won't be letting go of them any time soon. I see that here I no longer have to try to be myself, even though I spent a good amount of time worrying about what comes next. I tell myself that the best way to live is without worry, but when the worry itself is the most I have to worry about, that's a good sign.

So here I have, one week left, feeling that I've wasted this break. Why does it seem to happen that way? I guess I had all of these hopes and expectations for what it would be like that didn't get fulfilled. Of course, it happened for a reason - I see now that I'm going back to school stronger and more prepared. I've decided what I'm going to do with myself, something I never could have reached anywhere other than at home. It's just so easy to forget what I love and live for when it's not in front of my face every day, and yet when it is in front of my face I forget that it's there. Like tonight - I spent three hours on the couch watching TV and sharing a blanket with my mom, and while watching TV is something I try to do as little of as possible, these were certainly three well-spent hours. It's what my mom does most nights before she heads upstairs to sleep - she flips on the TV and sits in the same spot under the same blanket until she can no longer keeps her eyes open. If my dad's there, he'll tell her when she needs to go to bed. He wasn't here tonight, and while I primarily sat down with the intention of getting up momentarily, I found myself curled up hours later watching a TV show neither I nor my mom really cared about. It was all I really needed to do to be at home.

I suppose I thought that this would be a break from the things that I was unhappy with, as if I could just leave them behind my for a month. I should have known myself better, because I brought my troubles home with me. Maybe since I did that, I'll go back and find that they're a little less apparent. The point is that I came home to take care of what I couldn't before, and while it wasn't all that enjoyable at times, it was what I needed to do. I still have a long way to go, but I feel OK now. And I didn't get to do everything I wanted to over this break, but it was an example of doing what I needed before doing what I wanted. So it wasn't wasted at all, and even though it wasn't what I wanted, it was time well-spent.

So maybe, now that I've realized that, I can make this last week a good one? I think peace and quiet is finally what I need.