dry

so now i'm frustrated. I've got about 5 seconds before i have to leave before my next class, and i'm suddenly aware that it doesnt mean a whole lot to me. I'm surrounded by things that don't matter so much, because the things that do matter to me aren't here. I can distract myself all i want, with working and studying, but when i come up for air im still breathing in deoxygenated air or something. it's like i just want to roll my eyes when i accomplish something, like oh great, now what?

it's absolutely awful and i dont want to feel this way. but I can't help it - i can't help that nothing seems to matter right now. i could just go to sleep and wake up at some other time, but the problem is that i'd wake up and still be nowhere important to me. so i might as well stay awake longer and try to figure out what's missing, until i realize that what's missing is something i haven't found yet, or something that maybe i've lost and can't get back. or maybe its been right here all along, which is almost worse because i still don't see it after all this.

what i really want right now is to go jump in the ocean and stay underwater and feel the way the waves push me around. when i was a little kid i always used to get stuck under the waves, so that they'd keep crashing on me and throw me into the rocks at the water line. I used to hate it, but now i miss it. i feel like getting beaten up, just so that i can stop waiting or wishing or whatever i'm doing. I guess it's another form of that emptiness i tend to get lately - only this time im going through the motions without really feeling it. It's like im on the boat when i really just want to be in the water...

time to go to class.