Not So Vicariously, After All

So how is it, that after such a good day, I'm about to go to bed so frustrated? It could be because the day's over and I have to go back to work tomorrow, but that can't be it because I'm not really doing work tomorrow. I wish that was it.

No, I guess it's because I come back to realize that being alone today was the happiest that I've been in a while. How do I react to that realization? I don't even know. What I know is that I finally felt relieved, walking the streets of Boston. Relieved of the pressure of having to make my life work, to make it be what I want it to be. I just want it to be what it was today - just the process of following my feet through a familiar city, with the sole aim of finding a box of chocolates for our dinner hosts (Hello Candy, as my mom calls it). I didn't have to be anybody or do anything. I was just walking along Newbury Street, on my way to find my sister across the river. Somewhere on the Mass Ave bridge I found the relief I was looking for - I found the real world. I found a city that didn't revolve around final exam grades or who did what on Saturday night. And while Boston isn't really my favorite city, I was so grateful for it just for being part of the real world. It shows up on a map. It matters to the rest of the world, and for once I could be a part of something that mattered to the rest of the world.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at, but that's all true. Why do I have to feel guilty for preferring to be alone than with other people? I'm told that I should crave the company of the people I spend every day with, but I realize that I just get by until the next time I can be alone - working out, showering, taking a train, driving...

It's just that I haven't been this way in so long, and now I don't know if I'm allowed to think this way again. I don't know if this is a disease or a symptom - am I getting back into old habits on my own, or is it the result of something else? And why does it have to be a bad thing? It just does, because I'm told that I'm supposed to be building new relationships and finding myself. Well, why is it that I can find myself so easily on a bridge over the Charles River but have such difficulty doing it elsewhere? It's such work to be satisfied day to day here, while all I need is a long coat, gloves, and a destination to walk to.

It seems like all the things I look for, the things I want and the things I hope to find are dissolving just before I'm close enough to touch them...

Boston
Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh, dear you look so lost
Eyes are red and tears are shed
This world you must've crossed
You said

You don't know me, you don't even care
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential and appealed
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said

You don't know me, you don't even care,
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain
I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer
Some snow would be nice...

You don't know me, you don't even care
Boston... where no one knows my name...