Momentarily Vicariously

I really should stop spending so much time inside, but there's work to do and the weather's pretty rough out there. I climbed up the hill to work out today with snow beating down on me - I swear it wasn't snowing ten minutes before.

I'm looking forward to Sunday, when I'm going back into the city - I'm meeting my sister so that we can drive out to a friend's house a few towns away. What I'm especially excited for is the two hours I have to spend (not kill) in the city on my own, waiting for her to get off of work. I get to be outside around Boston for all that time - I'll be walking past the huge shopping district on my way to meet her at work, so I'll probably stop to absorb the insanity of the stores at the holidays. Who knows, maybe I'll get sucked in by the holiday atmosphere and go shopping myself :-). I do have some gifts left to buy (including one for said sister) and there's probably no place better to shop for her than in the stores where she already spends too much time.

The traveling and fresh air is what I need - I can't think of any better Sunday right now than the one I have coming up. Mass in the morning (yes, I know I'm a church nerd), train for a little more than an hour through the suburbs, lots of fresh air and crazy holiday citygoers, meeting up with my favorite sister (OK, she's my only sister, but she's still my favorite), heading out for a nice home cooked Sunday dinner with people we've known since childhood, and then I get to confiscate the car and drive back here with it. After being cooped up studying these past days, some time moving and breathing on my own is exactly what I need.

It's remarkable how quickly I can readjust myself by spending time alone - I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Is it bad to need some time alone, especially if it tends to happen kind of often, as it does with me? I think that's just what I'm going through, now, and I'm not worried about it. Well, maybe a little - aren't I supposed to be depending on other people though? I can never decide if I'm being too independent, because it's landed me in trouble before and I can't help but be wary of it. Somehow, though, I think I can tell now when it's too much. It's just that it's so much of a relief for me sometimes to be with myself - I'm not on someone else's schedule or someone else's topic of conversation. I can only hear what's going on in my head, which can be amusing or enlightening depending on my mood.

It's the same reason why I love art - it's all about what's going on with you, not really what's going on with other people. I don't think I'll be able to go to an art museum with other people now and really see the art - I get too preoccupied with where everyone else is and if I'm keeping them waiting. The next time I go to an art museum, I won't really see anything unless I'm alone. It's now just about getting up the courage to spend that much time with my mind when it's being so provoked by art. That's what frightens me a little bit about art - it can set my mind spinning out of control, where I usually don't let it go. A good work will confuse me a lot, and confusion is something I could use more of in my life right now. But I'm going the opposite direction anyway - I'm going to the city to clear my head on a cold December day. It's hard to ask for confusion, so maybe it'll come upon me when I least expect it. Actually, maybe that's what I'm going to the city for - a dose of other people's confusion, so that I can keep my distance but still feel everyone else's rush of uncertainty. Detaching myself to live vicariously, if momentarily, through the lives of perfect strangers?

Sounds good to me...