Homeless?

So I wish that I was missing something right now. I am, a little, but not nearly enough to make me want to be anywhere but home. I mean I could be at school, and that'd be OK, but I don't have the overwhelming sentiment that my life is being split in two between my life at school and my life at home. They're the same life, which I guess is a good and bad thing. It's surreal, being back home again and not having any work to do, academically or socially. Yeah, I guess that sounds weird, working socially, but it is.

But to have my feet up, to be wearing slippers and preparing for a lunch made by Mom is strangely abnormal as well. Where was I at this time last year? I had one life, which was nice, and made my life a little more organized. I didn't have athought in the world about college or life beyond the small place I called home. Now where am I? Confused, because I'm kind of a subtle mess right now. I say subtle because it doesn't really show, to me or anyone around me, but I am. That makes it only more difficult to reorganize it, since I don't really know what to do about what I can't detect all the time.

I just don't know what I should be feeling right now, but I'm thinking that it's not this. I'm at home, but it's still my only home - other people come home for Christmas to take a break from their hectic lives, but I'm just floating from one place to another until I get home and can finally breathe. What's that all about? And I don't even know what's left of the home I'm at - everyone else has it figured out fine, and I'm the stupid one who's still stuck thinking "What's going on?"

I hate to be that person who doesn't live life fully and completely. I am NOT that person who fears the future, who hangs on to what they know to avoid learning something new. I'm trying to learn something new while making a new life and putting the old life somewhere safe and quiet, but I'm doing it all out of order. I've got home on the back burner - this isn't where I live, and I'm OK with that and I get it. But where DO I live?

See, confusion. I've let go of home without building a substitute home - it leaves me homeless. Oh I know, believe me, I'm taking advantage of finally being with my family, in my own room and with friends soon, but I feel guilty doing it, like this shouldn't mean so much to me. And I get the questions - "How's school?" "How are your friends (at school)?" - and can answer them honestly - "It's good," and "They're good" - because those aren't dishonest answers. But how do I explain that "good" is never enough?