Faith and Fear

I've kind of been thinking about this blogging thing over the past few days. I finally have relief and peace effortlessly, every day - relief and peace that I used to cling to Iridescence to find. For some strange reason I'm finding it difficult to write when I'm happy - perhaps I no longer feel the need to remind myself that life is good, when it seems so apparent to me now.

I still have worries - how do I tell my parents that I plan on filling out transfer application forms? What about the day I wake up and it's January 15th, the day I have to go back to work and can no longer live in this blissful and carefree state? It will happen and I don't deny that - I just have to figure out if I'm going to take complete advantage of this newfound (or re-found?) freedom or live conscious of the road that lies ahead. I think I'll do the former.

Anyway, there are so many things I could say, but I feel that they would mostly be worries. Why is it that when I'm spiritually unsettled, all that comes to mind are life's joys, while when I'm spiritually content, all that comes to mind is everything in life that's ultimately unsettling? I wish I could pick one and be 100% joy all the time. Yet it's so hard - when everything crappy, I'm inclined to motivate myself with hope; when everything's comfortable and happy, I'm inclined to want to tear it down and convince myself that it isn't the way it feels. I think about what I don't have, what I want and may never get, what lies ahead of me that I can clearly see, what lies ahead of me that I will never see until after it's gone... endless. I feel guilty, having this satisfaction that I've missed - as if feeling this way is unjustified and unrealistic. When will I ever be able to say, "Screw realistic! This is what I want!"?

We all know that that's the ultimate - knowing what you want and going after it. Yet I never know if that's what I'm doing - when do I go after it and when do I not? When do I stay and wait, and when do I go running? There are so many things I do without realizing it, so much time spent unconsciously living.

There are still so many things I want, but which I am either too afraid or too sensible to go after. Well, maybe there's no difference between those words - fear and sensibility may as well be synonyms. I hope I can strive for insanity, life without fear - living without obstacles. Is any fear really useful? What if we could understand the world to the point where fear no longer exists? Perhaps that's one of my ultimate goals - to understand the world to a point where I no longer fear it. It may take a lifetime to achieve, but maybe I could do it.

Conversely, understanding is so passive a word. What parts of my life do I have the power to define?

Perhaps all the parts that I'm afraid of touching?