Back To Refusal

So I just deleted the post I had for today, since I have so much more to write about now. I posted the lyrics to Shawn Mullins' song Lullaby around 11 this morning, but I should have known better than to think that would suffice for this day. And not that much has happened anyway, except that I just saw that movie PS I Love You and I haven't cried that much in so long.

It's just that I don't really cry at movies, and I thought that this one was just going to be another cute movie since it was described as the "perfect date movie" in the paper. Well, I don't know what date that writer is going on, but that movie would be hell for any girl who's just trying to look pretty. It was about a woman who has to learn to live again after her husband dies, and learns it by following the letters her husband left for her after his death. It was realistic, which is why I could cry so much - they didn't try to make it seem like all she needed was his memory to survive. She needed more, which was what she needed to learn.

OK well it does sound very cheesy, but see it yourself and you'll know what I mean. I just don't know how my brother made it through the whole thing without shedding a tear, while I had them running down my face after the first 20 minutes. My sister was the same way, which makes sense. I think I just needed to cry, since I haven't in such a long time. Even my mom said that - "You haven't cried that way in a long time," and while my first thought was, "How do you know that?" it was true. The last time I cried that much was when she told me she had cancer. That was over a year ago.

And now I'm back to normal - I'm already forgetting what it was about the movie that had my heart tied in knots. Once again I'm back to believing that life can be what I want it to be, instead of what it really is. It was just such an honest portrayal that I needed to see, and the honesty was refreshing. I think maybe I felt better crying about someone else's life instead of my own, since that's what I've been refusing to do. I still refuse to, but at least I had a two hour break from this constant refusal...